Recently someone called me out. It was on Facebook, which is where call outs happen; this person opined that Sprudge had “run out of things to talk about,” a pointed criticism aimed at one of my recent bylines about butthole sunning or a grindcore band or coffee vaping or somesuch other chicanery (we’ve honestly talked about so many things they are hard to keep them all straight). As the arbiter of what does or does not constitute Sprudgeworthy “news”, I took this critique to heart. Will I really just print anything so long as I can shoehorn in the word “coffee”? Have I lost all discretion? I’m better than this. So when given the option of writing about a new meta-analysis on the healthful effects of coffee based on over a million participants or about a rat holding a coffee cup, the answer was clear.
MOVE OVER PIZZA RAT, COFFEE RAT IS HERE.
That’s right, New York City has a new favorite consumptive vermin and it’s got places to go, so move over, I’m ratting here. As reported by USA Today, the rat in question—likely a common brown rat (Rattus norvegicus)—was captured by Twitter user Melissa Walker while waiting for the 3 train in Brooklyn. In the 30 second video, Coffee Rat can be seen scurrying along the platform holding a to-go cup in its mouth. We’ve all done the carrying-too-many-things-so-you-have-to-hold-the-coffee-cup-in-your-mouth dance; we have all balanced life’s demands with a cup of something buttressing.
— Melissa Walker (@Melissa_Writes1) December 4, 2019
And truly the only real coffee news that matters right now is what, exactly, does Coffee Rat like to drink and where does he like to get it from? While it’s likely that Coffee Rat is drinking the ubiquitous NYC $1 quick-cup, I like to imagine him as a Remy-esque connossieur of the finer things in life. Maybe a nice miced latte from Sey Coffee? A ratpuccino at Stumptown? Perhaps it like little sips from Little Skips? Or does Algernon like a nice floral Ethiopian pour-over from Intelligentsia? A shop at the bar and a filter to go from Joe UWS before heading to Central Park to socialize with his fellow rats at sundown, otherwise known as The Ratting Hour? We simply don’t know.
One thing is for sure: in a world full of bad news and even worse journalists who have run out of things to talk about, Coffee Rat is the hero and hard-hitting news story we need right now. We are all the Coffee Rat.
Top image via HBO’s Animals