Wayne Gretzky is generally considered to be the greatest hockey player of all time. Maybe you’re more of a fan of Mario Lemieux or Jaromir Jagr (whose first name famously anagrams to Mario Jr) or you’re old school so you’re a Gordie Howe fan. Whoever is your favorite and whatever arguments you have for why they are actually the best, only one player was ever nicknamed “The Great One.” And that’s Wayne Gretzky.
He’s Canada’s Michael Jordan, which means he shouldn’t be subjected to having an absolute abhorrent coffee drink named after him, but I guess they just do things differently up in the Great White North. The latest viral coffee drink is called the “Wayne Gretzky” and I for one am concerned.
As reported by Narcity, the drink has less to do with The Great One himself and more to do with numerology. During his playing career Gretzky wore the number 99; this drink consists of a medium Tim Horton’s coffee that’s then adulterated with nine creams and nine sugars.
The concoction is not an official menu item, and as the Narcity writer found out, ordering a “Wayne Gretzky” will require you to explain to the barista what the hell that means. (Not everyone is on TikTok all the time, so sometimes you can’t use internet words and expect reality to comply.)
The drink, which again is a medium coffee, is so big that it requires a large cup in order to fit all the cream and sugar. So much cream in fact that it turns the entire hot drink cold. Which means the sugar doesn’t dissolve and you can “actually hear the sugar rattling around.” The article describes the drink as tasting like “sugar-flavored milk” and having the texture of “melted with cream but with… undissolved sugar.”
And at this point I have to ask, Canada, are you okay? It doesn’t seem like you’re okay. I mean, I get it. Lord Stanley’s Cup is about to spend yet another year in Florida of all places, which will make it four out of the last six (with another one in Vegas if you can even believe it). Hell, it hasn’t been in Canada since the Montreal Canadiens won it back in 1993, and my understanding is that the entire rest of your country despises the Habs. It’s rough out there, but this beverage adulterates the very legacy of Wayne Gretzky. It’s not a drink, it’s a cry for help.
If you need to hurt to feel something, don’t take it out on yourselves. Why not take it out on us, your American neighbors? Lord knows we deserve it. So instead of grabbing that awful medium 9×9, might I suggest a Canadiano?
Zac Cadwalader is the managing editor at Sprudge Media Network and a staff writer based in Dallas. Read more Zac Cadwalader on Sprudge.
