Jim Gaffigan is a comedian. He tells jokes, many of which are funny. But there are just some things that shouldn’t be joked about. One of those things is coffee, specifically decaf. But in noted curse word enthusiast Gaffigan’s shock-comedy fashion, on his recent visit to CBS News to promote his new Amazon Prime comedy special Quality Time, he decried decaf coffee as un-American. And this time he has gone too far.
In the video, Gaffigan, better known as “that guy from the ‘meow’ scene in Super Troopers,” turns up the ad hominem attacks on decaf coffee drinkers, calling them “decaf weirdos” and “coffee traitors” and refers to the beverage itself at “dirt liquid.” Gaffe Again even states that “decafers” are the “real problem” plaguing America right now.
But I’ll tell you who the real problems with America are. It’s those looking to turn a quick buck by dividing the country with their inflammatory rhetoric. It’s your Tuckers Carlson and your Seans Hannity, and yes, your Jims Gaffigan. These are the real scourges of our democracy.
And I’ll tell you something else: there is no love more pure than that of a decaf drinker for coffee. They do it solely for the taste itself, not for any jittery jolt side effects. If there were more people in this country with that sort of capacity for love, America would be a less divided place. And you wanna know a little secret? Without decaffeinated coffee, there would be no extracted caffeine with which to load up your Monster energy drinks, and for better or worse, Monster is perhaps the most true expression of America as it currently stands. I don’t think it’s an over-exaggeration in the slightest to say that decaf coffee is like Jesus Christ, dying so that lesser beings may live.
And Gaffigan, a devout Catholic, has the gall to take shots at the lord and savior of the caffeinated? Have you no decency, sir?
If there is one respect in which Gaffigan is correct about decaf being un-American, it is that the majority of decaf is not produced in America, but in Canada, Mexico, Germany, and Colombia. But ole Lady Liberty, the original Keeper of the Flame, says to give us your tired, your pour, your huddled masses yearning to be caffeine free. That’s some pure, uncut America right there, brother, welcoming in those who aren’t from here with open arms.
Gaffigan, the physical manifestation of cream and sugar, wants you to believe otherwise.
But I say enough is enough. It’s time we stand up for our decaffeinated brethren and recognize them for who they truly are: the truest Americans of us all. Stick to Hot Pocket hot takes, Jim.
Top image via CBS News