The proteinification of all things—including coffee, colloquially known as “proffee”—is perhaps better understood as part of a larger gym-bro-ification of daily life. Because it’s not just protein getting added to what is supposed to be a lovely way to start your morning. Case in point: creatine coffee, a thing that regrettably now exists. And it is, and I cannot express this enough, so flailingly stupid.
As reported by Good Housekeeping, creatine coffee is a new line of instant coffee from who else but Bulletproof Coffee. You may recognize the name Bulletproof as well as its founder Dave Asprey for their many potentially dubious health claims tied to adding butter to coffee or how their coffee is “toxin-free.” They also sell a protein coffee and a collagen coffee and an MCT oil coffee, etc. Creatine coffee is the latest in their line, and in each serving of their medium roast, “clean, toxin-tested Arabica” instant coffee, there is also 5g of creatine, MCT oil, and a sprinkling of electrolytes for good measure.
If protein powder is the first supplement of the gym bro lifestyle, creatine is easily the second. One of the most studied supplements in the world, creatine is naturally occurring compound in the body that is used to make ATP, a fundamental energy source for muscles. Basically, it’s that little boost to help you churn out that fifth rep. Cycling creatine, especially during a “bulking” phase, has been part of gym culture for decades. But recent research has found that creatine also promotes brain health and can be especially beneficial to vegetarians and those who abstain from eating red meat, one of the primary dietary sources of creatine.
So what’s the beef? Creatine good, coffee good, all’s good, right? Not exactly. First and foremost, some have claimed prolonged exposure to hot drinks and acidic environments can break down creatine—and coffee fits the bill on both. So sipping on that hot creatine coffee in the morning could potentially reduce the actual usable amount of creatine getting into your system. The jury is still out on how hot the liquid needs to be and for how long the exposure before it starts breaking down, but when powdered creatine—the traditional way of supplementation—can easily mix in water, protein shakes, pre-workouts, or just about any other liquid consumed throughout the day, why put it in the only one that may render it less effective?
And to their creatine instant coffee specifically, Bulletproof adds “natural flavors,” which seems like an odd addition for a brand that’s all about purity and clean and what have you. One commenter on their website asked about this addition in a very Bulletproof customer sort of way: “Why are these two added for instant coffee? Is there a reason and why does it say natural flavors after that coffee has its own flavor so what kind of junk are you guys putting in here? I hope you can answer this and tell me exactly why those three things are added to this instant coffee.” Weirdly aggressive, but good question.
To which the company responded that the natural flavors are “a proprietary blend of natural ingredients to help ensure the creatine can’t be tasted.” Would now be a good time to mention that creatine is flavorless? It seems like pertinent information.
The real issue here, at least from a coffee perspective, is why? Why must we keep futzing with the best thing we’ll drink all day? Why can’t coffee just be coffee and not the vehicle from some misguided nutrient-maxxing? Drink coffee because it’s wonderful and on its own has too many health benefits to count.
So here’s a better idea. Mix your creatine with 20oz of water. That way, you’re not only getting delicious, unadulterated coffee but you’re also working toward your daily hydration goal. (As anyone who has experienced a middle-of-the-night creatine cramp from not drinking enough water can attest, hydration is important.)
And if you insist on putting creatine in your coffee, then I say go with God, peace be with you. But puh-lease use good coffee. Just because you feel the need to add creatine to your coffee doesn’t mean you must relegate your coffee consumption to instant. It’s fine in a pinch, but c’mon, there’s so much better coffee to be had. Add a little scoop to that. No added oils or electrolytes or natural flavors needed.
Zac Cadwalader is the managing editor at Sprudge Media Network and a staff writer based in Dallas. Read more Zac Cadwalader on Sprudge.
