Coffee: So delicious, and yet so mysterious. Is it a naturally occurring earth-bound substance? Just more proof of a just and generous God? Or could it perhaps be the work of ancient aliens? Void your mind of all preconceived notions, as our new Paranormal Theories columnist Bixby Klendathu delves deep into the mysteries that surround coffee's origin.
Coffee is a mysteriously delicious and neuro-active substance, which people across the globe use daily. Given what we know about the history of our species, is it possible that such a perfect beverage happened by accident?
Let’s evaluate the evidence:
The examination of ancient texts gives us ample evidence of a group called the “Anunnaki” in Sumerian. The Anunnaki – whose name means “people who came from the heavens” in the language of Sumer – splashed down in the middle East 435,000 years ago on a search for gold. It was the Anunnaki who created the human race to mine gold for them in present-day Ethiopia, site of what would be passed on through legend as King Solomon’s Mine (Solomon was actually an Annnnaki chief officer). It was the Anunnaki who likely built the pyramids of Egypt, Central America, and the Cydonia region of Mars. It was the Annunaki who gave us legends of “watchers”; what the Hebrews called “Nephilim” or “Elohim” (angels), and the Egyptians called “Neteru” (cosmic gods). It was the Anunnaki who left behind Out Of Place Artifacts (OOPArts) such as the Antithykera Mechanism, the ancient batteries of Baghdad, and the Desert Lines of Nazca (landing strips). These are the space travelers who created the human race through genetic engineering for the purpose of working the mines, as has been proven and documented by the works of Zechariah Sitchin and Erich von Daaniken.
And so of course it was the Anunnaki who created coffee, originally intending it to serve as fuel for their mine workers (who were, in fact, proto-genetic hybrid humans). And this creation was their undoing.
Puzzling evidence that proves my case:
-Coffea arabica is a hybrid, which appeared in Ethiopia. It’s supposed “parents” (Coffea canephora or “Robusta” and Coffea eugenioides) are not even from Ethiopia. Are we supposed to believe that a west African coffee species flew by itself across a continent to mate with another species? Or was it flown there? And if then, by who? And why?
-Arabica is an allotetraploid. According to Biology Online, “Allotetraploids are created as a result of both chromosome sets of both parents being present in gametes.” To put it in layman's terms, this means arabica must be some kind of genetic mutant created by an intelligent plant breeder.
-Coffee is uniquely suited to make humans better, more productive workers. It stimulates the intellect and makes drinkers more alert while promoting stamina. Coffee is an ancient, high technology performance enhancer.
Ancient aliens: what did they know?
The coffee drug, known as KHWH to the ancient aliens, was administered to the Anunnaki's proto-genetic human mine workers in a variety of ways. All evidence points to milk from genetically engineered bovine herds (cows) as well as purified powdered carbs (sugar) to provide energy and protein to the workers’ systems. It was, in many ways, the perfect system for maximizing labor for the construction of ancient temples and landing strips, and you know what? COFFEE IS STILL CONSUMED THE SAME WAY TODAY.
Coffee is impossibly complex. Professional tasters detect flavor notes as disparate as Meyer Lemon, Night Blooming Jasmine, and Prosecco. This is super-natural, nearly psychedelic flavor complexity, designed to lure humans into a daily dosing ritual, just as it did for the lost tribes of Sumer. It is impossible for flavor scientists to duplicate coffee flavor by any process, and today we go to far ends of the world to find the most complex and enchanting flavor expressions. But our journeys to origin today pale in comparison to the galactic road walked by the Anunnaki, whom, should they ever choose to return, I for one would welcome as our new overlords.
In conclusion, there are a great many more secrets to tell, including the deconstruction of the myth of Kaldi the goat herd. Researchers are now pointing towards Sumerian tablets that tell tale of KAAL-D, a kind of mythic GMO engineer of the Anunnaki who may have first combined canephora and eugenioides. KAAL-D was both feared and revered amongst the great tribes of Sumer, where he was worshipped as a God, just as many worship coffee today.
This is important research that's being conducted, and it will of course inform my future writings for this publication. Until then, keep watching the skies.
Bixby Klendathu is a coffee enthusiast, Akkadian language scholar, and ardent UFO disclosure advocate. He contributes to a number of publications from his home in Pahrump, Nevada.