I’m back on my Italy bullshit. It’s been about two weeks since I last checked in on the lovely coffee happenings in The Boot; I’ve spent that time reading your many, many Instagram comments and personal DMs, reflecting upon my actions and how very sorry I am for them. (Keep them coming, though. I get no greater joy than having folks reach out to explain to me why I’m wrong about a joke they didn’t get or didn’t find funny. Please note that my writing style is and will continue to be “coffee over everything” but don’t let that stop you from sounding off.)
Anyway, what were we talking about? Oh right, Italy. Vi amo tutti, but some of y’all need to chill, specifically the folks at illy, who have recently announced the “Ultimate Italian Coffee Package,” a luxury coffee training and vacation package to the Italian city of Trieste. And it’ll only cost you $100,000.
As reported by the Robb Report, the “ultimate coffee-lovers retreat” was created to celebrate the 20th anniversary of illy’s University of Coffee, who as of June has been offering “master barista-led private classes” at its San Francisco campus. For a cool $100K, you and up to five other friends can begin your five-star coffee journey in San Francisco, where you’ll be treated to “a quick cuppa and coffee seminar” before boarding your own private jet to Trieste, the birthplace of illy and “Italy’s coffee capital.” There, you’ll “tour the illy headquarters, dabble in mixology and latte art while mingling with coffee experts and members of the Illy family.”
Thankfully, your $100,000 buys you more than a latte art class and a handshake with a higher-up at a coffee company. Included in the package is a stay at the five-star Falisia Resort as well dining experiences at the two Michelin-starred Harry’s Piccolo and Al Baggato. There will be sight seeing and there’s some mention of gelato and biscotti, because Italy.
What I want to know is who? Who is this vacation for? I’d like to see the Venn diagram of folks who both 1) have an expendable 1.6 yearly median household incomes, and 2) are really, really into coffee but also not really thaaaaat into coffee. Like, if you’re some Silicon Valley tech bro that’s super into coffee, you’re probably not that into illy (and you probably make some pretty normative claims to that end to whomever is within earshot). If Blue Bottle was offering this, then maybe. I’m just not sure who is going to take illy up on this offer. But there’s gotta be some Boomer somewhere with no sense of the cost of things who will do this though, right?
Whoever you are, if you are out there reading this right now, please subvert all your supreme asshole urges and do the right thing: don’t spend $100,000 on this travel package. If you have that sort of cash laying around and really love coffee, there are so many actually good uses for that much coin. Hell, spend $50K on an Italian vacation and then donate the rest. It’s a win-win. Except for illy, I guess, but I’m sure they’ll be fine.