Today is Tuesday, November 3rd, 2020, a day of no real note here in America. (Unless of course you count my daughter’s fourth birthday, which considering that none of you have sent along an RSVP, I’m going to assume you don’t. Happy birthday, Boogs!) And on such a day, one that carries no historical significance, you may find yourself stress eating, if only out of pure and utter boredom.

For me, there is no greater thing to stress eat than nut butter, peanut in particular. It has all the hallmarks of a bingeworthy snack. 1. It’s delicious. 2. It’s versatile. Have it on toast, on apples and bananas, on cookies, have it by itself on a spoon. Hell, dip a tortilla chip in there, it’ll (probably) be good. 3. And, it’s “healthy”, so you won’t feel bad about going from virgin scoop to scrapes faster than you can say “Aaron Burr.”

But just because you’re binging on nut butter doesn’t mean you need to binge a bad nut butter. Having worked the nut butter beat here on Sprudge for years now, I feel it is my duty today to provide you some of the best nut butters you can dip a big ass spoon in. But these aren't just any nut butters. These are coffee nut butters, the remarkable fusion of delicious ground coffee to the butter of a nut, resulting in a stupendous taste sensation.

Here are five of the best coffee nut butters in all the land help you get through this otherwise average day.

  

Big Spoon Gget

Big Spoon Roasters x Go Get ‘Em Tiger Espresso Almond Butter

The Scoop: Big Spoon Roasters is no stranger to coffee nut butters. Previous Big Spoon collabs include an almond hazelnut butter with Equator Coffees‘ Tigerwalk Espresso as well as a peanut butter with Intelligentsia‘s Black Cat Espresso. For their latest iteration, Big Spoon tapped Go Get Em Tiger, who provided their Minor Monuments Espresso blend to be included with heirloom mission almonds, coconut nectar, coconut oil, and sea salt. Each two tablespoon serving of Big Spoon's GGET almond butter packs a reasonable 12mg caffeine, should you decide you want to stay up late tonight and prolong the suffering.

Spread It On: A piece of toast to pair with an almond macadamia latte. Your cafe should charge $14 for this.

Where To Buy: Online at Big Spoon's official website.

Jem Organics2

JEM Organics Coffee Cashew Almond Butter

The Scoop: Without question, there is no nut butter more luxurious than that of cashew, and that is what JEM Organics is offering up. This particular offering, the Coffee Cashew Almond Butter, was the recipient of a 2020 Good Food Award in the pantry category and only contains five ingredients: sprouted almonds, sprouted cashews, coconut sugar, vanilla, and coffee from Strictly Organic.

Spread It On: A fresh slice of a tart, crisp apple, perhaps a Granny Smith, or better yet a Pink Lady.

Where To Buy: Stockists around Connecticut and Massachusetts or online.

Fix And Fogg Coffe Supreme

Fix & Fogg Coffee and Maple Peanut Butter

The Scoop: Kiwi butterists Fix & Fogg are offering up an Antipodean take on coffee nut butter. Starting off with their standard Smooth Peanut Butter as the base, Fix & Fogg have added a touch of Vermont maple syrup and coffee from fellow New Zealanders Coffee Supreme.

Spread It On: Whatever brekkie item you favour (it'll be the AM in New Zealand by then), served alongside a Flat White, a Kiwi original.

Where To Buy: Online via Fix & Fogg or Coffee Supreme, or Fix & Fogg Retail Window in Houston, Texas.

London Bruncher Almond & Espresso Butter

The Scoop: Brunch in London is serious business. Just about every cafe worth its salt has at least some light snackables on their food menu, many with a healthy dash of dukkah. So when the London Bruncher, a blog about all things brunch in London, decided to release their own line of nut butters, of course a coffee variant was a must. And London Bruncher's coffee nut butter is made simply, incorporating only organic almonds and sea salt with the coffee from Origin Coffee Roasters.

Spread It On: A frozen banana with a light coating of dukkah. Trust me.

Where To Buy: Online at the London Bruncher official website.

Eliots

Eliot's Espresso Nib Peanut Butter

The Scoop: If there is anything that goes better together than coffee and chocolate, it is perhaps chocolate and peanut butter. It stands to reason, then, that coffee and peanut butter would play together quite nicely. And in Eliot's Espresso Nib Peanut Butter, they most certainly do. Made with Fair Trade cacao from Theo Chocolate and espresso from Happy Cup Coffee, Eliot's Espresso Nib Peanut Butter includes just a hint of brown sugar and salt, making it the perfect sweet treat disguised as an everyday spread.

Spread It On: Your best life PB&J, with a nice blackcurrant jam or some other dark fruit preserve.

Where To Buy: At World Markets nationwide, select stockists on the West Coast, or Eliot's official website.

Biscoff

Lotus Biscoff Creamy Cookie Butter

The Scoop: I know I said was only going to do five, but I'm doing one more damnit! And this one is coming from the heart. There is no greater spread on the face of God's green earth than the Lotus Biscoff Creamy Cookie Butter. No, it is technically neither a nut butter nor containing any coffee, but this Cookie Butter is based on the Biscoff cookie, coffee's best friend, and so too is it my best friend.

And listen, there's a time and place for all these other wonderful—though double-digit price-tagged—coffee nut butters, but at a cool $5, there is never not a time to take a big ole rip from the cookie butter fountain. If you want to butter binge like a king on a budget, the Lotus Biscoff Creamy Cookie Butter is by royal decree your best option.

Spread It On: As many spoons as you can wrap your paws around while watching the light of democracy dim to black.

Where To Buy: Literally anywhere. This is the people's butter.

Zac Cadwalader is the managing editor at Sprudge Media Network and butt nutter enthusiast.