Here’s this month’s installment of our famous Asprological Sprudgoscopes!
Aries (March 21-April 19)
With your moon in Cappuccinocorn, you will have a lot of froth to deal with in the coming month. Stay light, oh air sign, and don’t let your foam settle for even a second.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Mercury is finally out of ristrettograde, so now’s your chance to ask your assistant manager about that raise!
Gemini (May 21- June 20)
The Gemini is naturally twinned. Find a two-group machine, order a double shot, and leave room for second chances.
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
Listen up, crabby Cancer! It’s time to ditch that doppio and get yourself a single-serving superstar. You will find happiness with a new love!
Leo (July 23-August 22)
You’re a lion-hearted good egg, Leo, and this month I predict your crema will be above reproach.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
It’s okay to be picky, Virgo; it’s in your nature. If you don’t like the shot it’s okay to ask for a remake, but resist the urge to jump on bar yourself. Only jerks do this.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
The Libra is never balanced, forever seeking level, both frothy AND foamy but rarely even-bodied. Try a flat white to help smooth things out, and limit yourself to 20 minutes in the grocery store.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
Why are you always such a jerk, Scorpio? It pains me to say it, but take a day off and switch to decaf.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
Moony, dreamy Sagittarius, you are full of creativity and spark, but you need a down-to-earth sign to achieve your dreams. You will age gracefully as your roast date passes the one-week mark.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
A haiku for Capricorn: Stubborn sign of goat, with horns as sharp as harrar; you break but won’t blend.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
All the world’s your freaky freak-out, Aquarius, so order something weird and let your hair grow accordingly. Now’s the time to push the envelope off the precipice, and remember: it’s no use crying over scalded milk.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
Like Kurt Cobain before you, I predict a big bright burst of lovely notes from your initial slurp. But beware, Pisces, because overextraction looms on the backend, and threatens to rend your floral notes into so much sludgy sprudge. Check your grind setting before you wreck your grind setting.
