Open up a newspaper, a web browser, open your eyes – you’ll see evidence everywhere. This once great planet is going down the tubes. And quickly. Why wait for catastrophe to strike? You can take pre-emptive actions to make sure that and your family are safe when the shit hits the fan. It’s time we all face facts and start preparing for life off the grid.
Here’s ten things you must consider for life after society collapses.
1. Where are you going to obtain coffee?
When you’re off the grid, you are still going to need to drink coffee. How are you going to get it? Subscription service? Get your eggs in one basket before saying sayonara to modern society. We recommend storing three year’s worth of coffee in your bunker, with additional emergency rations of freeze dried, in case of an extensive nuclear half life.. Keep the rations in vac-sealed bagged, preferably stored deep underground to shield it from risks of oxidization or radiation contamination.
Consider looking into greenhouse cultivation – you can’t rely on subscription services to last longer than the fall of man.
2. Where are you going to find water for coffee brewing?
It’s not enough that you ensure that you have access to clean and drinkable water – you’ve got to ask yourself, is that water’s TDS preferable to a good brew? It’s vital that you keep the necessary equipment to regularly check and correct proper brewing water in your bug bunker. You can’t just filter out the chemical warfare agents – you’re going to need to make sure that there’s the perfect balance of minerals and particulates to make your bunker coffee really shine. We suggest investing in reverse osmosis, or even a small desalination device, which gives you a wider breadth of base fluids upon which you can rely in case of extended bunkering.
3. What foods will you bring to pair with coffee?
Caloric-dense foods are ideal for long-term storage and survival. Tablets, bars, powdered oatmeal. But will these foods stand up to a good brew of coffee? Make sure that whatever survival brand pemican and tablets you choose taste good with your brew. Remember – this is your time, no one else’s.
4. What shelter will you need to store coffee?
Provided you’ve already secured you and yours deep within the safety of a secure, radioactive-proof bomb shelter, ask yourself: Is your coffee at risk of spoiling? Make sure you have a place that’s free from light, propane, and foreign matter. You want to keep your coffee stored away from humidity, toxic waste, and the persistent hum of nuclear fallout.
5. Where will you obtain power for heating coffee brew water?
You will have to have several canisters of propane and several stores of alternative fuel on hand for brew water. Solar devices won’t heat water hot enough. Pedal Power Generators provide a nice boost if you’ve depleted your fossil fuel resources. Remember, you need access to gas to really cook something you’re proud of, so stock reserves. Diesel and propane will be your biggest asset when the almighty dollar falls. Which brings us to our next tip…
6. If intruders come, how will you protect your coffee?
You offer a fellow survivalist a freeze dried cookie? You’re showing the first sign of weakness – compassion. As soon as you let your guard down and show mercy to your fellow man, you’ll be bombarded by free-loaders so fast you won’t be able to blink before your family is turned into tomorrow’s cannibal stew feast. The first thing the half-dead humanoid vultures will want is access to your stores of fine Gesha coffee. Make sure you’re protected. While axes, knives, bats, and crossbows are effective, we recommend a classic semi-automatic rifle, available at most stores nationwide… for now.
7. If you injure yourself, how will you brew coffee?
You will hurt yourself. You will need first aid. It would also be wise to store a few automated brewers just in case you get into a crippling fight with a rabid man-beast, who’d been traveling the badlands of former America in search of something warm to crawl into and die. You don’t want him breaking your collar bone, thus limiting your ability to hold a kettle.
8. How will you blog about your coffee?
How will you Instagram an overhead shot of your coffee without access to the Internet? There are satellite systems you can purchase and keep on hand to stay wired into the remnants of a lost civilization. So long as the power grid isn’t completely obliterated, you will likely still be able to tweet about your latest brew method testing deep within your shelter.
9. How will you dispose of coffee waste?
Proper waste disposal is essential in any survival bunker. Know this, coffee grounds make for an excellent buffer between a hole and human waste. It adequately filters the toxins to keep your groundwater (if available) safe from man-made viruses.
10. How will you maintain a positive attitude (about coffee)?
Surviving alone or in close quarters with your loved ones is no easy task, especially after the fall of civilization. It’s important that you keep your head about water, and especially so for your love of coffee. Don’t let the added storage and worry deter you from enjoying what you deserve – a fine cup of coffee. We are still human. No one deserves less.
(Top image: Mr. Smith Thinks)