Welcome back to another edition of our monthly Free Coffee Horoscopes. What’s that sound you hear? Is it the wind whistling through the trees? A kettle set to boil? No, it is a symphony from the heavens, a serenade of the stars, all served up with something tastily celestial. The universe has plans for us all, child, and we’d best listen in. Take a deep breath, smell the dry grounds, and open your mind to millennia.
Pisces (February 19th—March 20th)
Happy life cycle creation month, plucky Pisces! Magical Mars will rule your house over the next few weeks, and that’s a great thing, resulting in blissful mornings, unexpected travel opportunities, and crystal visions. The world is your deconstructed cupping table this month, Pisces, an epic espresso and croissant degustation with complimentary accoutrements. Say yes to it all.
Aries (March 21st—April 19th)
The sun syncs with Saturn. The Mars and Pluto make a playdate. It’s all fun and games for the Universe, but for Aries it’s time to get serious. Cosmic forces are contravening the status quo, resulting in huge shake-ups to your professional career. Maybe that’s a good thing, in which case embrace it—a promotion could be coming, or a total job shift you aren’t expecting. You’re hanging out with the folks who work in that other coffee bar across town…and all of a sudden they’re asking you to pick up a shift. Maybe that’s what you need? Don’t stop thinking about tomorrow—it’ll soon be here.
Taurus (April 20th—May 20th)
Let’s think about collectivity this month, Taurus. The new moon in Aquarius has arrived, and Mercury is no longer retrograde. It’s a good time to step away from your natural inclination as a bright, challenging single origin espresso of a cosmic soul, and instead give yourself over to being part of something larger—a carefully selected lot, a beautiful blend, a chorus of coffee and milk. Ruminate on the power of strength in numbers, and let yourself be part of something bigger. You can always go your own way, Taurus, but that doesn’t mean you should.
Gemini (May 21st—June 20th)
The songbird knows the score, Gemini, and she’s singing extra sweet today. We’ll go out on a birdie limb and say: money stuff was stressful last month, but now it’s a little bit better. In the words of some of our wisest philosophers, treat yo’self this month—order an espresso AND and a brewed coffee AND maybe one of those yummy flourless chocolate cookies we both know you like. Splurge a little bit, is what we’re saying, because the Universe just might find a way to put a little something extra in your pocket this month.
Cancer (June 21st—July 22nd)
There’s some volatility this month for the crabby Cancer, an echo effect of Mars and Pluto’s current state of alignment. This is an evaluative period for you, and your senses are ready for it, though in practical terms you can expect a real exercise in push and pull, yin and yang. At the cupping table your scores will calibration-worthy, and your compliments and critiques at the restaurant, lounge, or coffee bar will be most prescient and valuable. But that little voice inside your head? The one saying, hey, this job is a bummer, or you know what, I’m not really digging this relationship path? Those instincts are dialed in, too.
Push and pull, yin and yang—try and harness it for good, Cancer. Ride out your deep vibeology for next 30 days or so, and we’ll talk more next month.
Leo (July 23rd—August 22nd)
It’s been kind of a rough stretch for the warm-hearted, much-loved Leo—this sign gets picked on by the Universe from time to time, for no real discernible reason beyond the ebb and flow of the cosmos. But this month there’s love in store for you Lion folk out there, as the Sun is greeted by Saturn and Mars comes into a rare alignment with Pluto. 2016 has been a tough dial-in, Leo, but we predict your espresso shots will taste a little sweeter in the coming days. You deserve it.
Virgo (August 23rd—September 22nd)
We love you, Virgo—beautiful people, really great, big fan of the Virgo. But can we be honest? There’s some deep negativity emanating from your Virgo soul right now, and it’s bumming the Universe out. Let’s try an exercise together over the coming days: let coffee be your guide for looking on the bright side. Here’s coffee, this delicious stuff we get to drink, and it starts life as a piece of fruit from the other side of the planet. Dozens, perhaps even hundreds of hands touch it before it gets to you; it is a miracle of modernity, one of the sweetest things we get to enjoy in our precious and all-too-short lives. Let coffee’s improbable magic be your mantra in the coming weeks.
Libra (September 23rd—October 22nd)
In your endless search for balance in the cosmos, there can be only chaos, Libra. This month we advise you to simplify. Be the uncarved block. Live life like a leaf floating down a river. All moments are small moments; in the truth of your inner nature there is an ever-flowing calm. Spend a quiet moment each day of the next month with a delicious cup of coffee, and embrace that which is naturally so.
Scorpio (October 23rd—November 21st)
In a recent Sprudge recap of the 2016 US Brewers Cup Qualifying Event, we discovered a curious trend: y’all are using a lotta Kalitas. But also! A lot of the top manual coffee brewers out there also happen to be Scorpios. Perhaps it’s because your sign traits trend towards the observant (to monitor variables), the obsessive (to brew and brew until perfect), and the unyielding (like water passing through a bed of sound ground). We think it’s the same reason why you find so many Scorpios as doctors and scientists: there is a deep dedication to mastering the elements that runs through your Scorpio soul. Coffee is lucky to have you.
Sagittarius (November 22nd—December 21st)
Mars will move into Sagittarius in just a few short days, a cosmic event we haven’t seen here on earth in nearly two whole years! That should provide you some relief from the stress, frustration, and disappointing cups of coffee you’ve experienced over the last few weeks, Sagittarius, although between us and the Universe there may have been some user error involved in all that. No matter! Let’s move forward, and remember that Mars rules your fifth house of creativity, which means this is an especially precious time to pursue new projects, write songs, enjoy films, and name blends.
Capricorn (December 22nd—January 19th)
Last month we commented on how the Capricorn’s iconic traits—ambition, patience, concentration, and attention to detail—make them ideally suited to the pursuit of crafting delicious coffee. But you’re about more than just a cup of coffee, Capricorn. This month we want you to take the lessons learned from coffee and apply them to other aspects of your life. We love Capricorn best of all for their unbridled ambition and remarkable ability to set, and achieve, even the loftiest and noblest of goals. So what’ll it be this month, Cappy? Send us a list of your best intentioned aims, and we’ll look at some together next moon cycle.
Aquarius (January 20th—February 18th)
Last month we told our Aquarius friends to spend less time alone, and to make life more like a 6-cup Chemex than a single-serve AeroPress. How’d that work out? We’ll bet it felt good, at times, but that it left you yearning for an updose of solitude, a fresh pot of freedom, and a split shot for one, to go. This month you’ve got carte blanche from the cosmos to get as far out as you need. Maybe pack up a little hand grinder, some beans, and a hot water kit, then go on a nice long hike alone. Get a dozen miles from anywhere and anyone, brew yourself a cup of something delicious, and unwind.
Original Zodiac coffee sign art by Murphy Maxwell for Sprudge.com. Some rights reserved, but not all rights, because no mere mortal can reserve all rights.