Space may be the depths for which the phrase was coined, but for the coffee world, a cafe space at Brigham Young University may be the actual final frontier. The Provo, Utah private college is owned by the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saintsโ€”also known as the Mormon Churchโ€”who have pretty strict rules about coffee consumption: in short, you canโ€™t (soda is totally fine somehow). So when Starbucks announced plans to open a stand-alone coffee shop near BYU, the LDS responded by putting out a guide on tips to avoid getting sucked into coffeeโ€™s dark orbit.

Starbucks’ rapid expansion has long been the stuff of lols, but this reaches new level of thirst. Provo is a city where, as of a 2010 census, 89% of the population arenโ€™t allowed to consume the companyโ€™s main offering. This is uncharted territory, and in response, according to The Guardian, the church has issued โ€œofficial guidanceโ€ on how to navigate any coffee-adjacent situations the youths may find themselves in. Released as part of the August issue of a magazine directed at the LDS youth, the church offers some (frankly good) advice that โ€œthe word coffee isnโ€™t always in the name of coffee drinksโ€ and that โ€œdrinks with names that include cafe or caffe, mocha, latte, espresso, or anything ending in -ccino usually have coffee in them.โ€

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So, before you try what you think is just some new milkshake flavor, here are a couple of rules of thumb: one, if youโ€™re in a coffee shop (or any other shop thatโ€™s well-known for its coffee), the drink youโ€™re ordering probably has coffee in it, so either never buy drinks at coffee shops or always ask if thereโ€™s coffee in it.

Now, I may not agree with the Mormon Churchโ€™s stance on coffee (and about a million other things), but if they are the moral compass youโ€™ve chosen to direct your life, then good on you. I wouldnโ€™t want you to inadvertently do something against your guiding principles, so Iโ€™m all for these tips. I mean, how the heck is anyone supposed to know that there is coffee in something called a โ€œpour-overโ€ or a โ€œmacchiatoโ€?

But the magazine’s guidance may be more than just some friendly tips. As The Guardian notes, โ€œa 2016 survey found that four in 10 active church members under age 51 had drunk coffee during the previous six months.โ€ The guidance may be more of a โ€œwe see what you are doing, you rebellious youths.โ€

Despite efforts to modernize some of the church’s rules, coffee remains off the table. (Hey, at least there may be a little cannabis in your future.) And for what it’s worth, if you’re a coffee-curious BYU student looking to experiment, Salt Lake City’s excellent indie coffee scene is just an hour away.

Zac Cadwaladerย is the managing editor at Sprudge Media Network and a staff writer based in Dallas.ย Read more Zac Cadwaladerย on Sprudge.

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