In a world where just about every foodstuffs has a coffee-flavored version—cold brew gummy bears, coffee malt liquor, a smattering of expensive coffee nut butters, pumpkin spice SPAM for god’s sake—it takes more than just a cheeky name and a wheeze of the juice to move the coffee-journalistic needle these days. Case in point: Dunkin’’s (I have no idea how apostrophes work for a name that already has one. I’m going double apostrophe) brand new coffee cereal. I heard about it last week and didn’t really think much of it; just another cheap ploy to cash in on coffee fashionability by a company with a long history of trying to do so.
But then I gave the news a closer look and saw for the first time the truly insidious plot unfolding right before our every eyes. Wanton and depraved, Dunkin’ has added caffeine to their first-ever cereal offering, and it is going to be the death of us all.
That’s right. Dunkin’, in a collaboration with Post, has created two brand new coffee-flavored breakfast cereals that contain actual caffeine, according to a press release from the brand issued recently. Coming in Mocha Latte and Caramel Macchiato—and surely a pumpkin spice version is in the works for fall, just in time for Pumpkin Spicepocalypse season—a serving of the new post-modern Post Dunkin’ breakfast contains roughly a tenth of the caffeine of a regular cup of coffee, which while not a lot, is infinitely more caffeine than every other cereal on the market (now that Cappuccino Crunch is no longer on the market at least). O holy oaten puffed dread!
Per the press release, each cereal is a mix of crunchy cereal bits and marshmallows, with the latter being the vehicle for the coffee flavoring (and also the cavities); the Caramel Macchiato contains “caramel-swirled marshmallows, creating the deliciously indulgent taste of the layered iced coffee beverage,” while the Mocha Latte, whose cereal contains a “hint of chocolate,” has “latte-swirled marshmallows in honor of its namesake espresso.”
For Post and Dunkin’ it’s a match made in breakfast heaven full of AM synergy:
“Coffee and cereal are the ultimate breakfast go-tos, ranking as the top two most consumed items to help people start their day,” said Josh Jans, Brand Manager of Cereal Partnerships at Post Consumer Brands. “Dunkin' coffee is a daily ritual for Americans, and we're excited to be partnering with them to indulge their fans' coffee cravings. Getting the flavor right on our new cereals was a top priority, and we think we've nailed the rich, smooth and creamy taste.”
This is all great and fun and fine and clever and whatever, but we are walking down a dangerous path with this new coffee cereal. We are one step closer to reaching a breakfast singularity whereby all breakfast foods—coffee, cereal, milk, eggs, waffles, gravy, bacon, brûléed grapefruit, you name it—are all converging into a single point. Soon enough every human on earth will ingest their government-mandated coffee-cereal-milk-eggs-waffles-gravy-bacon-brûléed-grapefruit paste every morning before being shuffled off to toil in the coffee-cereal-milk-eggs-waffles-gravy-bacon-brûléed-grapefruit mines. It is the only logical conclusion.
Our slow march to the Skynet picks up the pace this month when the Post Dunkin’ cereal is scheduled to make its debut. If you’d like to peer through the magical looking bowl and taste the apocalyptic future, visit Dunkin’ Cereal’s official website to find where it is available in a store near you.