Well, we’ve reached July, which means it’s probably about time to do our Q3 check in on Starbucks. Y’know, just make sure everything is humming along nicely at the global coffee chain and that no one is doing anything incredibly stupid. Hang on, what’s this? A new article in Fortune about Starbucks “pioneering the coffeehouse of the future.” How are they doing that I wonder. Let’s see, it says here by cozy couches and moody lighting.
Ladies and gentlemen, Starbucks just invented ‘90s coffee shops.
It’s all part of the Back to Starbucks initiative by CEO Brian Niccol, who has definitely been inside a non-Starbucks coffee shop before. He’s shifting the company away from their traditional business model of “order and get the fuck out” in favor of a revolutionary new idea: coffee for here.
Part of the changes to promote more of a “coffeehouse vibe,” which are being rolled out at stores in New York and Southern California, include comfortable seating, warm lighting and a darker interior, ceramic mugs, a condiment bar, and “locally inspired art to try to give each redesigned location more of a unique feel.” Starbucks has also instructed baristas at these shops to “warmly acknowledge customers, making them feel welcome.” (Which sounds a little threatening when you put it like that.)
In short, Starbucks just Columbus’ed (or macchiato’ed, as is probably more apt) second-wave coffee shops. Just wait until Niccol discovers open-mic nights. He is going to flip his lid.
The thrust of the Back to Starbucks initiative is to make it a place folks want to hang out. A third place, some might say. Back to Starbucks is a feel good, people-first initiative, which goes hand in hand with the brand’s other new program, an order-sequencing algorithm to help reduce wait times and increase revenue beyond the paltry $8.76 billion from the second quarter, which was below expectations.
Of course none of this will matter unless Niccol has the stones to bring back the real lynchpin of Grunge-era coffee shops: indoor smoking. I’m not advising you or anyone else (much less myself) to indluge in that incandescent pleasure of lighting up a heater. Smoking is a disgusting habit that will most certainly kill you, and the smoke-filled rooms of yore are best left to yesterday. All I’m saying is I’d like to have the option. And if you’re going to retcon an entire era of coffee shop, then do it for real and set out some ashtrays. You want people to stay? Let them indulge in their legal addictions, especially when they are coffee’s other half.
Do the ’90s right or don’t do it at all, you cowards.
Zac Cadwalader is the managing editor at Sprudge Media Network and a staff writer based in Dallas. Read more Zac Cadwalader on Sprudge.
