Portland, Oregon is revered for its fine coffee and even finer strip clubs, a fact that many Portlanders are very proud of. There’s a degree of social acceptability to strip clubs here in Portland that’s hard to explain to folks from other parts of the world. At many Portland clubs, you’re more likely to see cute couples of all orientations out on dates than you are some skeezy old geezer, and when mainstream media folks like TIME Magazine come calling, the club culture is always something they mention.

Strip clubs in Portland are quite often owned by women, and usually have great music (owing to the taste of the performers, who frequently soundtrack their own sets). Some Portland clubs are so popular, they’ve entered a wider scope of cultural consciousness. For example, downtown mainstay Mary’s Club – where Courtney Love once worked! – has become part of the fashion plate for neo-grunge “Twilight” actress Kristen Stewart.

Whatever your mind thinks of when you think of “strip club,” trust us: the culture for it in Portland is different. But unfortunately, our research has revealed that Portland’s top clubs do not serve good coffee. Even Casa Diablo, the famed all-vegan strip club, serves up some nasty old Folger’s. We did a survey of Portland’s best-loved (and most highly Yelp’d) exotic dance establishments to uncover what Portland’s top spots are serving. Here’s what we discovered.

Photo via Flickr.

Devil’s Point, well-known here in Portland for their fire dancers and Stripperoake, serves First Choice. BTW, “Stripperoake” is exactly what it sounds like.

The Acropolis, widely considered home to “the best steak in Portland” serves up Farmer’s Brothers.

The Lucky Devil Lounge also serves First Choice.

Hawthorne Strip‘s coffee service is unknown, but according to the bartender it’s “definitely not gourmet.”

Sassy’s — thought by many to be Portland’s “best” strip club, and certainly the place on this list where you’re most likely to see canoodling straight and gay couples out on dates – serves something called “Ambiance”. We’re unfamiliar with this brand, but it could be related to Ambiance Tan & Espresso in nearby Vancouver, Washington. It may also have been the bartender at Sassy’s making fun of us.

Magic Gardens, known for its dancing as well as their delicious brunch, serves Folger’s. Magic Gardens has been a lady-owned club for decades, and the dancers perform to their own selection of music. Maybe they can bring in their own coffee too? Bonus trivia: a well-known Portland specialty coffee svengali used to hold staff meetings here.

Photo via Magnet Magazine.

So as you can see, even in coffee-obsessed Portland, there’s no good coffee in strip clubs. But there’s one place in town where you can find a unique blend of coffee and sexuality, and you’ll never guess where.

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Club Sesso, Portland’s upscale swingers nightclub, proudly serves Millar’s Coffee, a fact they were happy to give us details on during our research #journalism phone call. The listing for Club Sesso is really something. And that’s about all we have to say about that.