NYT coffee writer Oliver Strand recently brought the world news of a new musical bound for the New York theater scene. It’s been cleverly titled “Coffee: The Musical”:

A press release (the producer) Mr. Galinsky circulated this week promises that the show will include “an original musical soundtrack, dancing, singing, topical coffee talk, love stories, and the preparation and enjoyment of coffee.” The signature, song, a Chicago-like number titled “Hot Black Stuff,” begins:

I want it hot
I want it black
I want it strong.
I need it early in the morning,
I like it all day long.

Sounds like fun, but to the show’s lyricist we must humbly declare: Stephen Sondheim, you ain’t. Go watch this Kickstarter video / plea for public funding – to us, the whole thing unintentionally smacks of “Waiting For Guffman”. In fact, we here at Sprudge.com are pretty sure we can do it better. Here’s some excerpted lyrics from the “Barista’s Lament”, which opens the second act of Sprudge’s competing coffee musical:

Gajah Aceh, I’ve been here all day

No one can tell if I’m straight or I’m gay

I’m pulling the shots, I’m tamping with power

Get out of my shop, you’ve been camping for hours!

We, too, are currently accepting your money for our project.

NYT Diner’s Journal: Beans Over Broadway