So there we were, putting together a deeply researched guide to all the instant coffee on the market today, when former New York Times coffee columnist Oliver Strand appeared from behind the editorial desk of an independent New York City soccer-focused publication just in time for Halloween, to publish what else but a instant coffee guide for Eater.
A little eerie in the timing of it all? Definitely. Mildly frustrating that somehow, at 15 years in, we’re still getting scooped like a can of old Folgers by Oliver Strand? For sure. Overcaffeinated on crystals and looking to make a little lemonade? You better believe it.
So let’s talk hard truths. All the specialty instant coffees we had? They’re all fine. On the good side of fine. They’re so much better than what instant coffee used to be that it’s hard to even recognize them as the same beverage. But when it comes to any sort of listing or ranking or comparing one to the other in any objective way…it’s all just near-indistinguishable shades of grey. They all serve their purpose admirably, and the best one for you is the one that comes from your favorite roaster (and they probably have one at this point).
For all the leaps and bounds in instant coffee this past decade, it’s still not going to usurp traditional filter brewing or espresso. Fact is, you’d to be in some kind of invented horrible situation for instant coffee to make sense as a use case. Nearly every ideal instant coffee scenario requires an imagined realm of peril. “I was stuck at the train station” or “I found myself lost in a psychedelic vortex” or whatever.
Rather than spiking our entire instant coffee guide, we’ve repurposed this instant coffee research into a spectacular instant coffee worst case scenario list. No matter how rough the going might be, there’s a specialty instant coffee for that.
All Aboard a Murder Mystery
You’ve found yourself trapped on a 12-day Trans Siberian Railway murder mystery. Karlov suspects you to be a KGB informant. The mysterious Nastasia reports direct to the Kremlin. Boris the kitchen manager serves only tea with lemon. Fortunately you’ve packed your box of Ethiopia Addisu Kidane from Phil & Sebastian so you’re good to go… but trust no one!
Coffee on The Beach
You’ve time traveled back to the year 1998, a time of uninterrogated privilege and floppy hairstyles. You find yourself on the Backpacker’s Trail, touring the beaches of Thailand, when a beguiling group of fellow travelers, lousy with sex appeal and ennui, invites you along to visit a secret beach from which you can never leave. Resources are scarce, and you may have to bargain with your life, but then you remember that satchel of Punch Bowl by Dune Coffee, a fruity, natural processed coffee perfectly served in a coconut away from the others, and plot your escape.
Aurora Borealis? At this time of year?
Your boss is coming over to your house for coffee, and you desperately want to impress them, but you’ve got Aurora Borealis localized entirely within your kitchen. Luckily the kettle is in the breakfast nook and you’ve got a handy pack of Jhonatan Gasca Thermal Shock Pacamara by Black & White Coffee Roasters. It’s so good it’ll have your boss saying, “you steam a good coffee.” (It’s an Albany expression.)
Coffee at Midsummer
You’re invited to attend midsummer festivities in an idyllic Swedish countryside. After a 20-hour-long day of dancing round the maypole, a group of town elders offers you a cup of some foul-smelling brew. Wanting not to offend, but still also a little creeped out, you pretend to drink the whole cup but are actually pouring it over your shoulder. Then you quickly fill up your cup with water heating nearby in a kettle over an open fire and pop in a Steeped bag of Costa Rica Hacienda San Isidro from La Cabra. It’s an anaerobic Typica so you know it’s a little funky, and the elders seem pleased.
A Gruesome European Holiday
After partying the night away at the discotheque in an abandoned East Berlin industrial warehouse, you wake up chained to the floor in a dank room in God Knows Where, Europe. Your tormentor has unspeakable atrocities planned for you, but thanks to quick thinking, a leaky water pipe, and a few sashets of Brazilian instant from The Barn, you are able to prepare a few cups of coffee to share with your capture. The homy flavors of toffee and vanilla allow cooler heads to prevail. It was all a misunderstanding, you’re not the capitalist American pig they mistook you for, and you are free to leave.
Zac Cadwalader is the managing editor at Sprudge Media Network and a staff writer based in Dallas. Read more Zac Cadwalader on Sprudge.
