Kawhi Leonard shook the basketball world when news broke over the weekend that he was taking his talents to the Los Angeles Clippers and had recruited Oklahoma City Thunder defensive big man Paul George to join him. Noted “Fun Guy” Leonard is fresh off winning an NBA championship with the Toronto Raptors feat. Drake, beating out former dynasty and next team to experience a grand herb bandwagon exodus, the Golden State Warriors.
Leonard heading back to his home city in hopes of ending the soon-to-be decade-long championship drought is sure to bring joy throughout the City of Angels, right? You’d think, but to do so you’d have to forget about the existence of Lakers fans, easily the most entitled fanbase in all of professional basketball and one that is making an argument for the top spot in all of sports. (I say this as a lifelong Dallas Cowboys fan, a team who hasn’t been relevant in two decades but whose fanbase still demands they be called “America’s Team.”) Lakers fans suck deeply. They are as good at being a group of whiny front-runners as their beloved team has historically been at winning championships. But even though the Lakers haven’t been winning championships in recent years, their fans have not stopped sucking. Last year, they got LeBron James, arguably the best player to ever throw a ball into a peach basket. So when Kawhi Leonard—arguably the best peach basketeer playing right now—became a free agent, Lakers fans assumed they had it in the bag; it is their birthright to get any and all players they ever want, whenever they want them.
Except this time they didn’t. And in true Lakers fan fashion, they didn’t take it well. According to Eater, it has even led to one Los Angeles-based cafe chain and gummy bear collaborator Alfred Coffee to issue an outright ban on both Kawhi Leonard and Paul George from all locations. The notice came via social media and “promised more details to come on the matter.” The original post appears to have been removed from Instagram, but all the clown emojis in the comments section of other Alfred posts remain.
Who cares, right? The board man got paid, to the tune of $142 million over four years, so what does Leonard care about not being able to go to a coffee shops with nine locations around the city? As an LA hometown kid, it’s probably tough to return home only to have people mad because you didn’t return home in the way they wanted (because again, this is a very entitled, very bandwagony fanbase that deserves all the sports misery that comes their way). And Leonard is notably frugal. Free coffee would probably lure the superstar into any cafe that would offer it to him.
So, Kawhi, if you’re reading this: first, hello, love your work. Thanks for not going to the Lakers. Second, if you were hoping to get free coffee in LA, I’m sure this Alfred news comes as a disappointment. If it makes you feel any better, there’s a really, really good cafe with six locations in LA that would love to have you.