While you are away at barista competitions, cupping parties, or coffee camps, your cat is back at home, judging you. Only Sprudge has the stripes to bring you this calico tail of tabby-loid claws and effect. As told to Liz Clayton.

Look. I don’t know how long this coffee thing you’re into is going to go on for, but your constant excuses for travel are getting a little bit tired. Tired like me, your cat, who spent the entire day backwards on this papasan chair waiting for some kind of stimuli, while your deadbeat cat-sitter friend comes over to root through the liquor cabinet and short me on the wet food. I need to ask you: what are you doing with your life? What is this strange lifestyle choice you’ve made? Why can’t you just settle in for a long nap, like me? What are you constantly running away from? I see no dogs.

You recently ditched me for something called the United States Barista Championship. This event is supposedly four days long — which I could personally sleep through uninterrupted, no problem — but you dragged out the excuse for over a week, for like, “research”, or something? Why would anyone want to watch Cat Fancy-aged humans with more hair on their face than I have on my whole body making steamed milk drinks for EACH OTHER, without sharing with their pets? I guess your accountant buys it, but I think it’s an elaborate ruse to 1. withhold the Friskies, and 2. address my nip habit. That’s why I’m making this face at you right now.

How do I even know about these things? That’s right. I can see everything you’re up to! This internet phenomenon…I know you humans think we just use it to hook up on Petfinder, but we’re also more than capable of tuning in to a live-streaming barista competition or a Ted Talk to see what MUST be so much better than kitty-snuggles.

I guess a few of those baristas look like they might be nice to knead, but some of the stuff you watch, I just don’t really get. That thing you call the “Brewer’s Cup” is really good for those rare bouts of kitty insomnia. I could fall asleep right now just thinking about it.

By the way, a puddy gets hungry when left alone. I sat through what seemed like hours of live broadcasts of the USBC, and no matter how many times they said to “refresh the feed”, my bowl didn’t fill up once. I think this is a technical problem you may want to have looked into.

In any case, I understand that you will soon be off to the World Barista Championships in Vienna, where baristas from more than 70 countries will leave their cats alone for a week while they go ride expensive horses and eat tiny hot dogs. You did not invite me to this even though I am pretty sure I could eat a tiny hot dog if you gave me time. And just the other week I missed MICE in Australia. Would have loved to attend that one.

Again I have to ask, why so much activity? I assure you that your house and pet are warmer and happier when you’re at home with us, and as much as I love a good top 40 after-party and a sloppy keg of IPA, I really think you’re missing out at home. Take it under advisement, and consider watching the WBC right here from the comfort of our computer chair, or camped out underneath the bedcovers with me. I’ll be rooting for the one they call “El Tigre”.

With fond regards,
Your cat

PS When you are gone, I put milk in the coffee every day.