Coffee is always a great thing to gift over the holidays. But what if the person sucks? Like, really sucks. The answer, then, is to get them coffee that also sucks. But it should be coffee that knows it is no good, puts it right on the front of the package, and lets the giftee know that maybe they should do some soul searching. For this gift, there is really only one option: Quills Coffee’s new and completely intentional Lump O Coal Blend.
What’s in the blend? Who knows. Who cares. It’s not good, and that’s the point. The impromptu new offering from the Kentucky-based coffee company is due to the power going out in their roasting facility mid-batch. So instead of throwing it all away, they figured, “why not give it to someone who really deserves it?”
And the best part about this gift—other than giving someone an item commensurate with their character—is that it’s cheap. Whereas coffees from Quills normally range from $14 to $22, this 12-ounce bag o’ fun only costs $5. It’s probably $5 more than you want to spend on that special someone, but it beats spending more than that and a fiver is well worth the joke.
The Lump O Coal Blend is in very limited supply (because the power didn’t go out multiple times) and is only available for purchase at Quills cafes starting today. Sorry, everyone that doesn’t live near Louisville or Indianapolis and who isn’t willing to drive to buy such an amazing item, you’re just going to have to find another awesomely bad gift for your own not awesome but still bad person. Maybe a gift card with no money on it or a hand-drawn pile of poo?
Zac Cadwalader is the news editor at Sprudge Media Network and a staff writer based in Dallas. Read more Zac Cadwalader on Sprudge.
*top image via Quills Coffee