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via Datassential’s report

Everyoneโ€™s after that sweet, sweet Millennial paperโ€”be it allowance, trust fund, or unrecoupable college loan. Despite claims of being lazy good-for-nothings, the 18-34 year-olds seem to have a lot of buying power and disposable income, and oh how companies covet it. Many reports have been commissioned by thirsty corporations interested in capitalizing on the Millennial dollar, and now there’s one about coffee.

The report was brought to light by Food & Wineโ€™s article titled โ€œMillennials Have All The Feels About Coffee“, whose headline perhaps intentionally gave me all theย feelsโ€”punchy ones. But letโ€™s not shoot the reblogger.ย โ€œMillennials: The Language of Coffee and The Role of Sustainabilityโ€ was commissioned by S&D Coffee & Tea to figure out what those darn kids are thinking when theyโ€™re buying a orange mocha cold brew-cinos or whatever. You may remember hearing about S&D in the news recentlyย when theyย were purchased for around $355 million by Cott Beverages, the makers of RC Cola, Snapple, and [woof] Orient Emporiumย Tea.

Performed by Datassential, the study is 14 pages of terrible Getty Image-type clip art of young people smiling and holding coffee beverages (though a Kees Van Der Westen Spirit does make a cameo in one, so that’s pretty cool) to give visual cues for how โ€œemotionally engagedโ€ Millennials are with their coffee.

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โ€œAnd how can I monetize this emotional engagement?โ€ you might be asking, Pavlov’s bell ringing in your eyes, on-trend French bulldogs salivating at the ready, water dish full of La Croix. Simple: talk about sustainability. Thatโ€™s what the kids crave. Of the 904 people surveyed, the term โ€œsustainably-sourcedโ€ received the favorability rating, with โ€œorganicโ€ and โ€œFair Trade Certifiedโ€ being the highest indicators of sustainability. Responders also showed a strong propensity for โ€œlocally-sourcedโ€ coffee. What does that even mean? If you are being asked for your opinion because of your age/buying power, youโ€™re probably in a first world country. There is no locally-sourced coffee here, you dipshits, unless you took this poll in Hawaii or near that one farm in Santa Barbara. Please stop giving the other generations reasons to hate us by caricaturing what they already think we are.

The worst part is, there’s nothing inherently wrong with those impulses. Wanting to buy stuff that is grown in a non-evil way and connects with a community doing non-evil things is itself not evil. Wanting to do good with your purchasing power is not a bad thing. Just make sure yourย heartstrings aren’t attached directly to yourย wallet without first stopping over at your thinky place, because that will help you distinguish actually buying ethicallyย from being tricked out of your hard-earned dollar by someย faceless corporation going point-for-point downย some marketing bozo’s glossy buzzword report.

Hereโ€™s a fun game: after reading the report, count how many instances on the S&D Coffee homepage appear to be a direct response to the findings. I got three.

Zac Cadwaladerย is the news editor at Sprudge Media Network.

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