We are living in the golden age of superhero movies. (Or at least in the age when Hollywood studios know they can make money hand over fist by churning out boatloads of them.) There’s no character too oddball, too obscure to not get a gritty reboot. And thanks to an event that can only be described as life imitating art, I think I’ve found the origin story for coffee’s greatest superhero. A woman in France was enjoying a cup of coffee when she was struck by a meteorite. I give you Arabicadabra.
Don’t worry, she’s unharmed. Superhuman strength will do that.
As brought to our attention by Newsweek, the report of this harrowing tale first came via French newspaper Les Dernières Nouvelles d’Alsace. In it, the woman, who asked to remain anonymous—presumably to hide her secret identity—states that she was sitting out on her terrace in the Schirmeck commune in the northeastern part of the country, enjoying a nice cup of coffee and a chat with a friend, when she felt a strike to the ribs. The woman states that initially thought she had been struck by an animal, by a bat, but that origin story has been taken and retconned into oblivion at this point.
“I heard a big ‘Poom’ coming from the roof next to us. In the second that followed, I felt a shock on the ribs… We thought it was a piece of cement, the one we apply to the ridge tiles. But it didn’t have the color.”
Turns out, after analysis by both a roofer and then a geologist, it was not a piece of cement but a space rock. As Joanna Newsom taught us all, when a meteoroid enters the earth’s atmosphere, it either burns up and becomes a shooting star, otherwise known as a meteor, or if it survives the journey and hits the ground (or a human on the ground), it is what’s known as a meteorite. Meteorites can range from the size of a piece of dust all the way up to a small asteroid.
Per Newsweek, NASA states that nearly 50 tons of meteoric material falls to earth every day, but most of it lands in the ocean, making it extremely rare to ever find any on land. It is even more rare to get plunked by one like a pitcher with control issues. But when it does, though, there is only one logical conclusion that can be drawn: that person has super powers now.
Normally, those powers are based on what the person was doing at that fateful moment. So it stands to reason that this woman now has some sort of coffee-related superhuman abilities. Maybe the caffeine in a pour-over gives her Flash-level speed or some sort of next level perception. Or perhaps espresso grants her super strength. Decaf I reckon would allow her to induce a tranquil comatose state in her enemies, which frankly seems like the perfect non-violent way to resolve any issues.
Her archenemy is most likely The Greenwasher, a Lex Luthor-type CEO of a global coffee corporation by day who’s hell bent on taking over the world and is willing to destroy it in the process. Only the Cupped Crusader, along with her trusty sidekick Robustra, can stop him. Save us, Arabicadabra, you’re our only hope.
Zac Cadwalader is the managing editor at Sprudge Media Network and a staff writer based in Dallas. Read more Zac Cadwalader on Sprudge.
