Here we go again with the big bad government sticking their nose where it doesn’t belong. The Food and Drug Administration has issued a warning against Stiff Bull Herbal Coffee because it “contains [a] hidden drug ingredient” and “may lower blood pressure to dangerous levels.” I say we let the free market decide what hidden ingredients are “potentially harmful,” not Big Brother.

Ok, so yeah, Stiff Bull – a Malaysian made coffee that advertises itself as the “Relationship Saver” – may contain a compound similar to sildenafil, the active ingredient in Viagra. And sure, Viagra is a prescription drug. And yes, Stiff Bull neither requires a prescription nor notes the addition of this compound anywhere on their packaging. But still, don’t you think I would know better how to get my jollies than some government stooge in a lab coat? While he was spending a decade with his nose jammed in a book, learning about “science” or whatever, I was out pounding beers and indiscriminately using my Gary Johnson to the point that it no longer works properly and I need a little assistance. So who are you going to trust?

According to an article in UPI, the hidden compound in Stiff Bull, desmethyl carbodenafil, may interact poorly with nitrates found in some prescription drugs, noting in particular those taken for high blood pressure, high cholesterol, and heart disease. But I don’t take any of those, so get off my back, FDA. The article even makes sure to note that the herbal coffee “may save some relationships,” and thank goodness for that. With all of my wife’s money that I spend on coffee destroying our marriage, it’s about time a coffee helped save it; the effects of one cancel out the other!

So thanks again, Obama. You and your government cronies have made it that much harder for me to order my tromboner coffee. This, and only this, will surely cause the end of my betrothal.

Zac Cadwalader is the news editor at Sprudge Media Network.