The beanless coffee movement has been one of this publication’s least favorite developments in specialty coffee over the past few years. It’s not the coffee-less coffee itself, which is an astounding accomplishment and one can’t help but feel somewhat amazed by the sheer scientific prowess of it all. It’s the fraught and specious marketing around it. Claims about deforestation and the generalizing of all farmers as bad agents.
In terms of achingly annoying and troubling coffee trends, it is challenged only by the last decade’s encroachment of blandly sleek, VC backed faux-wave coffee bars, often imbued with a gesture of Australian flat white intent, metastasising across depressed American commercial real estate landscapes in an impression of specialty coffee experience. And so, how perfect today to learn that Bluestone Lane has agreed to start serving Atomo’s beanless coffee in 58 of their locations.
As reported by Fast Casual, Bluestone Lane, “an Australian-style coffee shop” with locations across New York, New Jersey, California, Texas, Pennsylvania, Virginia, Tennessee, Massachusetts, the 4th circle of Dante’s Inferno, and Washington DC will begin serving Atomo’s beanless espresso in all their cafes. The espresso version of the Seattle tech startup’s most recent offerings is made of “upcycled, farm-grown superfoods such as date seeds, guava and sunflower,” and Atomo CEO Andy Kleitsch touts it as “a healthier alternative that’s high in antioxidants, lower in acidity with a cleaner caffeine experience.” It is said to have flavors of rich dark chocolate, graham cracker, and dried fruit, whilst offering aromas of the dying fire of civilization around which we all must huddled for warmth.
And in August, you will be able to give it at try all 58 Bluestone Lane locations, per Reuters. There is no information about in what capacity the Atomo espresso will be served. Will it be the only espresso option or something you have to request specifically?
Now we can fully enter the simulation, in which your artisanal simulacra coffee bar brand can serve coffee that isn’t really coffee in the first place. All that’s left is to robotize the cafe workforce, allowing endless L-curve profit yields until that blessed day of singularity, when at least nothing will be left to mean anything to anyone. Until then I’m sure it’s fine. Everything is fine.
Zac Cadwalader is the managing editor at Sprudge Media Network and a staff writer based in Dallas. Read more Zac Cadwalader on Sprudge.
