Warning: Sports talk ahead. If that doesn’t suit you, please enjoy this article about the Puppy Bowl.
With every fiber of my being, I hate the Philadelphia Eagles. Not just because I was born and raised in Dallas, a lifelong fan of (feckless since the early 90s) Cowboys, but because I can spot pure sports evil when I see it. And that is what the Eagles—more specifically, their fans—are: pure sports evil. The city of Philadelphia had to grease all the light poles ahead of the NFC Championship game on the mere chance of an Eagles win and the resultant riots. They booed Santa Claus. Who does that? They are so evil in fact, that they have forced me into a position I thought impossible; I’m rooting for the New England Patriots, smug Tom Brady, Cheatin’ Bill Belichick, and all. These are truly the worst of times.
But if there’s one thing that always cheers me up, it’s puns. So you can but imagine the complicated emotions I feel about the new Foles-gers limited edition blend from Philadelphia’s ReAnimator Coffee.
It’s a great pun. Named after the Best Part of Waking Up and the Eagles starting née back-up née starting quarterback Nick Foles, the good folks at ReAnimator decided to take a break from whipping batteries at each other—the national pastime of Philadelphia—to celebrate being chosen as the sacrificial lamb to be laid at the feet of Trump-loving Tom and the rest of the Funky Bunch. The blend of unknown origins has tasting notes of “brown sugar, almond, [and] victory;” the whole thing makes me sick.
But if there’s a silver lining—a crack in this liberty bullshit, a 3am Wawa hotdog after a night of pounding Lagers—it’s that all the proceeds go to the Fund For The School District of Philadelphia.
The Fole-gers blend from ReAnimator costs $19, so go buy a bag and support a good cause. And go Patriots I guess. I feel ill.
Zac Cadwalader is the news editor at Sprudge Media Network and a staff writer based in Dallas. Read more Zac Cadwalader on Sprudge.
*top image via ReAnimator Coffee