There’s a seasonality to coffee. There’s a cyclical nature to not just how it is consumed—with cold brew and espressos being the favored option in the summer months and bigger, warmer drinks a la lattes dominating wintertime—but how it is produced; the release of those first fresh crop Ethiopias at the beginning of each year are basically my Beaujolais Day.
But did you know you should also be consuming coffee zodiacally? At least according to food blog Mind Body Green you are, who have put together a list of “the perfect espresso order for every zodiac sign.”
Along with the 12 espresso-based drink orders, MBG gives a quick rundown of why the chosen beverage is perfect for that particular sign. Aries, for instance, are “straightforward and independent, meaning their order won’t be swayed by what’s popular right now or by friends’ suggestions.” Thus, they get espresso. Libras, on the other hand, like balance so they order cortados. Possessing a duality, Geminis get an espresso and tea combination, the dirty chai.
Still, there are, let’s say, “problems” with this chart. Leos, described as “trailblazers” and “self-assured”, go for the seasonal latte, because they have “no shame in their PSL game.” This, of course, incorrectly assumes that ordering a flavored latte is a shameful act and thus only a self-assured person who have the wherewithal to do so, when in fact flavored lattes are objectively delicious and require no such bravery.
And Virgos, of which I am one, get golden milk lattes, nowhere near my espresso drink of choice. Which poses the question: is this espresso zodiac chart completely full of shit or do I not truly know myself? Have I been betraying my true Virgosity by pretending to be a Taurus all these years with my Americano order (technically a babycano, because 6oz is the perfect size)? I do love turmeric and lattes, so it stands to reason I would love them together. But still, that just doesn’t feel like me.
Nonetheless, I feel this chart could use some improvements. So, if you’ll indulge me here, I’ve made my own espresso drink order zodiac chart. I’m pretty sure I nailed it.
Aires: vanilla latte
Taurus: vanilla latte
Gemini: vanilla latte
Cancer: vanilla latte
Leo: vanilla latte
Virgo: vanilla latte
Libra: vanilla latte
Scorpio: vanilla latte
Saggittarius: vanilla latte
Capricorn: vanilla latte
Aquarius: vanilla latte
Pisces: vanilla latte
I consulted with the heavenly orbs and they all agree, vanilla lattes are perfection in a cup. They went on to say that you can use whatever milk you want. Because while your zodiac sign may control much of your life, your stomach decides if you can process lactose.