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Behold The Delicious Nihilism That Is Cold Brew La...

Behold The Delicious Nihilism That Is Cold Brew Latte Flavored Dippin’ Dots

This is a friendly reminder that Dippin’ Dots still exist. I know, I’m as shocked as you are.

I actually had the once beloved freeze-dried food court fare recently. It was from a kiosk at the zoo and they were out of pretty much every flavor except for mint chocolate chip, which just so happens to be the best flavor, so I just kinda figured this particular Ice Cream of the Future was leftover stock from a very distant past (it may have been, the jury’s still out on that one).

But no, as it turns out Dippin’ Dots are very much alive and well. To mark their return to the post of Emperor of Ice Cream—a position they never left apparently—Dippin’ Dots has announced a brand new flavor, and it is surely the first miscalculation in an otherwise flawless business plan: Cold Brew Latte.

Let me first say that I’m certain Cold Brew Latte Dippin’ Dots are amazing and will be my new favorite flavor, if only for the limited time that they are available. But my question is this: what in the freeze-dried fuck is a COLD BREW LATTE?! These are all coffee words, sure, but how do they combine into a cohesive whole? Short answer: they don’t.

The Cold Brew Latte implies the existence of cold brew cappuccino, cold brew macchiato, and perhaps most blasphemous, cold brew espresso? What does that even mean? And I’m not saying that combination of steamed milk and cold brew is an impossibility or that it wouldn’t be tasty. What I’m saying is that that particular drink isn’t a latte. It’s something altogether different.

So what’s the big deal? Let ‘em call it what they want, right? Wrong. Words matter. I would never say that Dippin’ Dots are the kopi luwak of ice cream and that they’re just dry-ice cat poop pellets, because they are not. That’s just the lazy sort of word soup that, while an ostensibly 100% accurate description, is simply untrue and not the sort of thing I would ever want attached to my name in specialty coffee’s Paper of Record.

But if you want to wash the bad taste of bastardized, meaningless phraseology out of your mouth, might I suggest the rich, mellow taste of Cold Brew Latte Dippin’ Dots. According to their press release, the caffeine-less confection “packs a coffee flavor punch” that is “perfect for kids, teens and adults alike.” The limited edition flavor is only available at any of Dippin’ Dots’ 120+ mall kiosks and shopping center locations and anywhere words have no meaning.

Zac Cadwalader is the managing editor at Sprudge Media Network and a staff writer based in Dallas. Read more Zac Cadwalader on Sprudge.

Top image via Dippin’ Dots

 


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