14. No sugary coffee drinks in 2014

No sugar. No syrups. But your cafe still has peppermint – you won’t last long.

13. Stop buying new coffee equipment

But this one is made with all kinds of wood!

12. Walk to your favorite cafe instead of driving

But it’s so cold. And your favorite cafe is seven miles away. Where are those keys?

11. Read a book in a cafe

You will bring a real, honest, paper book in a cafe and read! Wait, first Instagram that drink, because that’s a resolution too, keep a diary of all your drinks. Wait, someone tweeted something snarky to you. Whoa, look at that funny cat on BuzzFeed. Huh? What book?

10. Never again subtweet on Twitter

9. Only three coffees per day

You made it through lunch but you’ve got five more hours. What’s one more?

8. Will make coffee at home

Dust off that French press and start your morning off right. Or sleep in? Sleep in.

7. Make more of an effort to expand your coffee horizons

Join that subscription service you’ve read about… check out that cafe at the edge of town… or just go to the office. You’re already late.

6. Get more sleep

See broken resolution #9.

5. No kouign-amanns

Those devil pastries that are sweeping the nation – you won’t enjoy their sweet and savory salty caramelly crunch anymore. But there’s one left in the pastry case. It’s giving you sad eyes. No one will know.

4. No more hang-over / sunglasses / 7am / walk-of-shame coffee at your local cafe 

Not where they know your name. You won’t stoop to that level. But it’s so close. And that cappuccino is so warm.

3. Hand grind every day

Bust out that Hario Skerton and get a little exercise, right? Yeah, that’s the ticket. Hold on, how many minutes does it take? Meh…

2. No more to-go cups

You will bring your re-usable cup with you. Where is it? Your car? Wait, what’s in it? Is that a peppermint mocha from a few weeks ago? Did something just move inside it? That paper cup is compostable, right?

1. Stop wasting time with internet coffee listicles

Womp womp.