buzzy, meredith mciver, spesh

Hello, it’s me, Meredith McIver, writing to you from within the towering bowels of Trump Tower in Manhattan. You might be familiar with my previous work as the co-author of multiple books with Donald Trump, the Republican nominee for President of the United States of America. You might have read more about me in these articles in The New York Times and Slate, in which people who claim to have known me are interviewed, but I am not actually interviewed or quoted or photographed.

That’s because I’m a very private person. Some people—foolish people—have taken this to a logical extreme, and claim that I do not exist. They imply that I’m a fabrication of the Donald Trump machine, used as a scapegoat whenever stuff goes wrong or any of his claims are challenged—like in this 2007 deposition, or when I made my big flub with Melania Trump’s speech at the Republican National Convention.

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Well, I’m here today to set the record straight on two very important topics. First off, I totally exist. I am writing these words—me, Meredith McIver, a real person! Second, I want you to know that like all real people I have my own hopes and fears, likes and dislikes, and one of those likes just so happens to be coffee.

My boss, Mr. Trump, doesn’t drink coffee at all—never touched the stuff!—but I, Meredith McIver, am just an ordinary (and very much real) person, not a great man of history like he is. And so I drink coffee. Lots of coffee. From my office in the Trump Tower, which is real, Piers Morgan has seen it, I brew up cup after cup to help me get through the tough days, and bring a little more sweetness to the good ones.

Trump Tower is on 56th and 5th in Manhattan, and there are many options for coffee nearby. I have multiple Starbucks in my neighborhood, and I’m well-known at all of them, because I’m a real person who does things like go to Starbucks. “Chocolate Brownie Malt Frappuccino for Meredith McIver!” they say, when they call out my drink order that I placed in-person, like real people do. I also sometimes hit up the Bluestone Lane down on West 43rd, when I need a little “brekkie”—have you heard of avocado toast? It’s so good! There’s another Australian-style cafe right near me called Little Collins, and I go there too. In fact, I have been seen in public many times by people who aren’t Piers Morgan or Roger Friedman. What a time to be alive! And I should know, because I’m Meredith McIver, a real person who definitely exists.

In closing, allow me, Meredith McIver, to finally set the record straight about two important things: 1. I am real, and 2. I love coffee soooooooo much. I am never going to give coffee up, because coffee has never let me down. And so let me leave you with these words I wrote many years ago; they give me strength and I hope they will give you strength too.

“Ask not what your country can do for you; ask what you can do for your country. Follow your dreams. You can achieve your goals. I’m living proof. The best way to find yourself is to lose yourself in the service of others, especially when you are a totally real person in the first place.”

Meredith McIver is a real person living in New York City. This is Meredith McIver’s first feature for Sprudge.

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