It’s Super Tuesday in our home country of America, where a number of states hold primary elections as part of a wacky, longstanding, and frankly awful process of nominating presidential candidates. This election cycle, fueled by breathless twenty-four hour news stations and the constant drone of internet notifications, has proven to be the most talked about/embarrassing/exhausting election cycle yet. Debates have devolved into shouting cage matches with fists out, teeth clenched, and fingers waggling. My gods, the fingers.
But here at Sprudge we’re a one issue voter: what do the major candidates think about coffee? The election season hasn’t even really kicked into high gear (help us, gods) but these campaigns are truly grueling affairs, and no political machine—be it populist, centrist, or terrifyingly Mussoliniesque—can chug along without coffee. We’ve taken a look at some of America’s frontrunners and with the help of our editors, analyze their campaign whistle-stop fika freak-outs.
Democratic Socialist Bernie Sanders was caught sipping a cup of Dunkin Donuts while aboard a train. The coffee? Too hot, reported a Redditor, whose mother allegedly caught a candid shot of the candidate making that all-too-familiar “I just scorched my taste buds” face. We’ve all been there, Bernie.
Former Secretary of the State Hillary Clinton made a stop in Atlanta and got a cappuccino at Octane Coffee in Grant Park. That is a good coffee choice! Zac Cadwalader has all the details over at SprudgeWire.
Donald Trump does not drink coffee—hasn’t even touched the stuff! In his hilariously titled book, The America We Deserve, Trump says, “I’ve never taken drugs of any kind, never had a glass of alcohol. Never had a cigarette, never had a cup of coffee.” If elected, would President Trump ban coffee? Only time will tell. He made similar claims (almost identical to those in his book, actually) in an Esquire interview in 2015.
Senator Marco Rubio has joked about waking up with coffee and Red Bull, a combination we deem to be very unpresidential.
Texas congressman Ted Cruz was seen pouring coffee at a truck stop in Missouri well into midnight. Cruz is considered a night owl, and only wakes up early when accompanied by a cup of coffee, according to reports.
John Kasich, Ohio governor and An Ohio Guy, has proven himself as being sensitive to the plight of the working barista: here he is, pouring coffee for votes in New Hampshire, where he placed second to Trump in the polls. If you run a cafe in a Super Tuesday state, Kasich is looking to pick up shifts, and has partially completed his Level One BGA Cert.
Dr. Ben Carson
Dr. Ben Carson, whose campaign has been mostly a scam, is a Seventh Day Adventist, which means he abstains from coffee, tea, and cola drinks. Barely Adventist, which is like a Clickhole for the 7DA lifestyle, had some fun pointing out that Carson’s perceived sleepiness in interviews (and debates) could be ameliorated with a variance from the church. That’s hilarious, but it also kind of has precedent: LDS Mormon church leaders famously okayed Mitt Romney’s love of coffee ice cream during the 2012 campaign.
This has been ElectionWatch Unfiltered, our quadrennial election cycle coverage of coffee and politics. Look for more EWU coverage on Sprudge between now and November.