Welcome to “Espretsy”, Sprudge.com’s exclusive holiday gift guide to the weird, great and just-gotta-have-it coffee products of Etsy.com!

It’s no secret – Etsy is the world’s favorite internet depot of handcrafted crap. You didn’t know you needed this stuff, but Etsy can do it all, offering a one-stop showcase for the Internet Generation’s retro-grandma delights, who-da-thunks, and the oft-regrettable dredges of cutesy-wootsy commerce.

But did you know there’s 55,669 entries for “coffee” on this crazy website? It’s true. Some of them (well, most of them) are incredibly lame, but once you peek past the painfully repurposed jute bags and the endless death march of post-ironic cup cozies, there’s plenty of cool stuff to be found.

We had our interns scour Etsy for weeks to bring you this guide, just in time for the holidays. If you see something you like, order it now – almost all of this stuff is handmade in small batches, and might get snatched up if you’re not quick. Enjoy!

Coffee Lover’s Ring – It’s cute, it’s quirky, it’s a coffee demitasse ring! Etsy is chockablock with them, and they’re all mostly atrocious, but this one is passable. Just don’t use it to propose to someone, no matter how much of a coffee dork he or she might be.

Burt Reynolds Bear Skin Rug Mug – As you might expect, there are a ton of mugs on Etsy, but this one takes the beefcake. Just look at that bearskin rug…

One of a kind: Squirrel Drinking Coffee Watercolor – This squirrel likes his coffee. He’s pretty adorable. This might look nice in your room.

Twin Peaks Double R Diner Print – What can we say, we love Twin Peaks. As a side note, will some erstwhile coffee loving rich (or even just kinda rich) person please go BUY the actual Double R Cafe out in Snoqualmie, Washington, and save it from its Tweety Bird purgatory? That place should be a temple to Damn Fine Coffee, and instead it’s just gross, disappointing and creepy – and not in an interesting Lynchian way.

Ooh, some dangly coffee bean earrings!

Another lovely coffee ring, this time bronze – Alright, you could maybe get away with actually proposing using this one, but only if you and your soon-to-be spouse were both huge, huge coffee dorks, and you met in the cafe you both work in, and your betrothed openly described his or herself as “crafty,” etc.

A super cool coffee filter lamp, with several other options of the type available in the seller’s store. Might genuinely look okay in your den.

Coffee cup headband – Here we go. This is what you were looking for. Why don’t you own like 4 of these already? Sprudge.com will issue a $100 check to the first American regional barista competitor who performs while wearing this coffee cup headband. This is a standing offer, and does not expire.

A lovely Maxwell House “Regular Grind” thermos, if irony is your thing.

A charming coffee cup planter, for all your succulent succulents.

There’s an awful lot of coffee soap on Etsy, but here’s our hands-down favorite: for a reasonable $9.50, get yourself a one-of-a-kind coffee scented soap poured into the a New York Greek coffee cup. Includes lid, stirrer, and two packets of Sugar In The Raw! Pretty darn cute.

Handpainted to-go ceramics are nothing new, but this ferocious kraken from the deep is a pretty sweet example of the trope.

A charming old-time Folgers tin, re-packed with a soy wax candle. Curiously expensive, comes in a wide variety of scents (the majority of which sound disgusting), but still, look at that gorgeous old tin!