Schmuck

It was an unfortunate pun come true on Thursday morning for the employees of Bellingham, Washington’s Brewed Awakening Coffee, who found themselves the victims of armed robbery by bicycle:

No one was hurt in a possible armed robbery at a Bellingham espresso stand yesterday.

A man on a bicycle robbed the Brewed Awakening stand on Consolidation Avenue yesterday morning, said police spokesman Mark Young.

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The suspect told the barista he had a gun, but no weapons were seen.

Sprudge.com has extensive personal experience with The City of Subdued Excitement, and we’ve been able to piece together the following details regarding this alleged crime. The suspect is most likely a Western Washington University student, forced into crime due to lapsed student loans, loss of Viking Food Card during a quarter off, or misappropriation of an otherwise generous parental allowance. The bike used in the robbery undoubtedly came from The Hub, or was stolen from someone who purchased the bike originally at The Hub; it has probably since been sold on Craigslist, to be cruised down Railroad by some other scuzzy Hamster. Whatever funds this schmohawk obtained from Brewed Awakening were likely spent at one of three places: Casa Que Pasa (potato burrito andย  Dos Equis), the Chevron store on Lakeway (Sparks malt beverage) or the Horseshoe Cafe (sweet potato fries and whiskey). It’s also worth mentioning, to maximize the Bellingham quotient of this article, that Boundary Bay Brewery makes some of the best IPA in America, Death Cab For Cutie used to kind of sort of be from there, and the fried pickles at The Beaver Tavern are really good.

Nostalgia/jokes/whatever aside, we sincerely hope the folks at Brewed Awakening recover and that this never happens again. May the perpetrator be punished with 8:30 AM lectures, a lack of vegan potlucks, or a sudden shortage of Insane Clown Posse outerwear, whichever is most applicable.

For more on Bellingham please consult the following:

Bellingham Herald: Schmuck Robs Shop On Bike

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