Our crack team of interns have gained access to the most sought-after list of speakers at the hottest Scandinavian coffee event: The Nordic Barista Cup. Past presenters at the NBC have represented the brightest and best in the industry. For three days, guests are taken through a series of lectures, roundtable discussions, seminars, and team competitions, as well as explorations of coffee roasting, cupping and brewing.
This year’s list of speakers has been a closely-guarded secret for weeks and we’re releasing it now, as a genuine exclusive to Sprudge.com.
Florfen Fluffenhoofer, Scandinavian Exclusivity Expert
Mr. Fluffenhoofer will speak on how to administer, promote, and enforce security and dress code protocol for exclusive coffee events. His past work includes consulting for BritPonce Expo ’08, The Bohemian Club, The International Congress of Know-It-Alls, and other high-end gatherings too gauche to name publicly.
Fritz von Spritz, Consultant For Hire
An expert’s expert, Mr. von Spritz runs his own roastery, cafe, and coffee re-education camp in the most expensive district of Copenhagen. An exhaustive first-class intercontinental consulting schedule positions Fritz as our industry’s foremost expert on how to make money from non-Scandinavians.
Andrew Brewtbart, Mainstream Media Expert
Andrew Brewtbart will lecture on “Coffee and the Left-Wing Media”. A contributor to Imprimus, The Wall Street Journal, The Washington Times, and the New York Times Magazine’s Style Magazine’s Fashion Blog’s Food and Culture Blog, ‘The Subheading’, Mr. Brewtbart is a longtime expert on coffee, media, and right-wing paramilitary black ops. His debut novel, “The Conservative and Consuelo”, was a 1982 Conservative Book Of The Month Club selection. He is currently writing a new book, due to be published by Hillsdale College Press in late 2012. This is a rare public appearance for Mr. Brewtbart. His countenance will be obscured whilst on the podium due to a pending Panamanian vendetta.
Figgy Bloke-on-Bottom, British Vintner
Ms. Bloke-on-Bottom is the sommelier-in-residence for Top of the Ponce, Ego’s, and The Hoighty, three of London’s finest restaurants. Having won literally every wine award imaginable, she now roasts coffee on a 1-to-1 transfer of expertise, and is also developing several advanced hydro-vineyards across the rooftops of Swindon.
Ootva Gundsmirdottir, Icelandic Coffee Historian and Puffin Smoker
Hailing from Hólar, Ootva will lead a seminar on the old world practice of “Equine Coffee Roasting”. Gundsmirdottir runs the only horseback coffee roaster in the world, a style that’s gaining some traction among leading roasters worldwide due to its popularity in Scandinavia.
Flurdy Hurdygurdy, Swedish Chef
Flurdy Hurdygurdy is the chef-de-cuisine at lowercase, currently the most expensive restaurant on Earth and only open to journalists. A pioneer in the field of molecular slurpstronomy, he is widely considered the first person to serve espresso exclusively in platinum demitasses.
Ronaldinho Fazenda Luche, South American Agro-Crop Billionaire
An erstwhile Bond villain, Mr. Luche will lecture the NBC audience on the topic of “Nefarious Practices and You”. Ronaldinho owns over 1,000,000,000 hectares of low-elevation chemical-doused land. His lobbying efforts and crack team of lawyers have protected his rights to develop a bio-engineered super hybrid of self-picking coffee shrubs. Ronaldinho is currently field testing an army of over one thousand diesel fueled robot pickers.
Ooter Slaughterbraten, Elk Blood Sausage Impresario
Mr. Slaughterbraten will lecture on “Daring Pairings: Disgusting Delights, Delicious Dishes”. Ooter has thrilled audiences across Europe with his Gallagher-esque on-stage carcass smashing. The first three rows will be equipped with protective tarps and safety goggles. We can speak from experience: ze goggles do nussing.
Our correspondent Greggory Hullzenblogger has been denied advanced admission to the Nordic Barista Cup, but don’t worry: you’ll still have access to best-in-the-business event coverage from Greggory all weekend long, as he will be reporting from the CCTV station across the street (if we’re able to muster the $150 kroner-per-blogger viewing fee).
It’s important to remember that the event is four months away, and the lineup can change at any time. Judging by the caliber of the presenters, this is shaping up to be the best, and most exclusive, Nordic Barista Cup in human history.