The coffee butter craze is reaching critical mass. Now, even non spread-based companies (and really only coffee-adjacent ones at that) are getting in on the action with the new Caramel Macchiato Coffee Spread by Krispy Kreme Doughnuts.
According to Tasting Table, this new concoction is made with 100% Arabica coffee and hazelnuts and is meant to be some sort of replacement for Nutella. Just like how post-teleportation Jeff Goldblum in The Fly is supposed to be some sort of replacement for pre-teleportation Jeff Goldblum. He is not. Let’s leave the science to the scientists and the coffee spreads to the coffee professionals and/or artisanal nut butterists.
Now, am I saying that this new Krispy Kreme spread is going to be some sort of disgusting Cronenberg-esque nightmare with a subtle hint of coffee flavor? No I am not. But I’m also not NOT saying that either. Because we don’t really know. As Tasting Table notes, the coffee nutella spread won’t be available to try until some time later this year, when it hits the shelves at WalMart.
Will you turn into some half-coffee-half-hazelnut-half-human creature when you eat it? 99.9999999% definitely probably not. After spending all this time covering the coffee butter beat for Sprudge, my body is comprised mostly of coffee spread at this point anyway, so only half-spread may be an improvement.
But seriously, why not just make a doughnut spread? Like, you make doughnuts, it’s what you are known for. Why not just jam a few bear claws into the Nutellator? You’re messing with science you don’t understand, Krispy Kreme.
Zac Cadwalader is the news editor at Sprudge Media Network and butt nutter enthusiast.
*top image via Metro