Here’s your June installment of our famous Asprological Sprudgoscopes!
Aries (March 21-April 19)
The line is out the door, Aries. Can you handle it? You just dropped your tamper…the PID isn’t reading right…and you just ran out of soy. Summon your courage, muster your skillset, and crank out those capps as you trudge through a busy month of June. You’ve got vacation time on the horizon.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Taurus women: you are lightning rods for hardship and perseverance, trouble and triumph, and I predict each shot you pull will be sweeter than the last. Taurus men: cut the bull, blunt your sharp horns, and seek a mellower blend lest you burn the tongues of all who surround you.
Gemini (May 21- June 20)
Oh twinned Gemini, two of a kind, forever paired…make sure you have an almond scone to match that macchiato, and never, ever take a shot without a cool, fizzy glass of Perrier. Your life will be twice as sweet.
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
Why so crabby, Cancer? You’re still stuck in a rut from last month, that’s why. Try something new! Grind some new beans and give your doldrums the cold-brew shoulder.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
Lovely Leo, I’ve seen the truth in your grounds, read the story in the sprudge that lines the bottom of your demitasse, and I’ve got news for you: you’ve never been so wanted, professionally and personally, as you are at this moment in time. It’s all up to you, Leo, and each trip to the bar is like a choose-your-own adventure book. Americano or doppio? Management or green buying? Just know that you’ll be loved no matter what.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
Virgo, lay low this month. Call in sick for work if you have to. The dog days of summer will treat you well, but June is going to taste worse than day-old flavor crystals in the microwave. You may have to resort to sugar packets. We won’t judge.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
Where to go from here, Libra? It feels like you’re on the precipice of achieving a new sort of personal balance, always the underlining goal for the shifting scales of the Libra soul. It’s as if you’ve found the right single origin espresso, the nutmeg is grated just right, you did an amazing job of self-sourcing organic dairy, and your presentation is coming in with time to spare…but something is still missing. You need to go big, Libra, or go home. Think cardamom, international travel, and the sweetness of true love.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
Jeez louise, Scorpio, you’re still such a pain in the ass. You’re like that guy who refuses to leave the shop, even though it’s clearly 10:15 and you’ve been camping on your laptop since 8pm. The world is gonna shut down its free wi-fi if you don’t get a clue, and quick.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
Get out of your store, step away from the Mazzer, put down your portafilter, and seek refuge in the wildness of nature. You need fresh air, foxes in the moonlight, 10-mile hikes, and a soul-cleansing plunge into the coldest lake you can find. There are fresh-roasted sealed bags of goodness waiting for you upon your return home, Sagittarius, but for now, bring along your Mypressi and focus on the next place to make camp.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
Yet another haiku for Capricorn: Once I truly loved / a Capricorn, but then she / purchased pre-ground beans.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
Optimism is the name of the game this month, Aquarius. I’ve got high hopes for you, but on one condition: you must grow your palate, focus on your taste buds, and demand more out of your daily cuppa. Try new things! Make some waves! All the world’s your triple shot, so get buzzed and don’t take “we don’t serve that here” for an answer!
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
Famous Pisces include Sam Peckinpah, Anais Nin, Sidney Poitier, George Harrison, Peter Fonda, and Ivana Trump. This month, add your name to that notable list, Pisces, by conquering the world around you one shot at a time. You’re a clever dripper, Pisces, and all the world’s your slow bar.
