Last weekend Entrepreneur ran a scandalous coffee attack piece penned by AudienceBloom CEO and Founder Jayson Demers.
“After a cup of coffee you feel bright, energized and motivated, so it’s got to be great for your career, right? The truth is more blurry,” Demers writes. He then, in listicle form, gives seven reasons why too much coffee is killing your career. We’re going to go line by line and tell you why Demers is full of it. Here are seven reasons why coffee is not killing your career.
1. Demers asserts that “coffee can make you skip breakfast.” Puh-lease.
Coffee can turn your ordinary breakfast into a thirty minute pleasure trip, and will surely allow you to rise to the top of your company as an executive full of breakfasts and coffees.
2. Jayson Demers says that too much coffee can make you “ok with sleep deprivation”.
No it does not. No one is okay with sleep deprivation. There’s not a single person on this planet who is okay with sleep deprivation. Who would say that? No one. Plus, all powerful executives are gloriously sleep deprived. Case and point:
Got some extra rest for today’s event. Slept in ’til 4:30.
— Tim Cook (@tim_cook) March 9, 2015
You think Timmy’s okay with his sleep deprivation? No. But he deals. We all deal.
3. Demers and Entrepreneur warn that coffee “fuels insomnia”.
Tell that to my vodka Red Bull, bro. You know what really fuels insomnia? The internet. Cat gifs. ANYTHING WITH CAFFEINE IN IT. This point, while not technically incorrect, is duh-duh obvious and who cares.
4. Jayson Demers says that coffee is taking all your money.
This old tale. Come on. Puh-lease. Coffee is one of the most inexpensive luxuries on the planet. A truly incredible bag of beans costs as much as a pizza, and will last you at least twice as long. A cup of premiere coffee costs less than a Subway sandwich. Where’s the beef?
5. Demers moans “it’s raising your blood pressure.”
Add it to the list of things that may or may not raise blood pressure: eggs, the iPhone 6 Plus, low-fat yogurt, bacon, margarine, Oreo cookie snacks, Pringles, bananas at high volumes, waffles, workplace stress, the creeping sense of malaise we all feel as the carefree days of our twenties become the never-ending task queue of our thirties, and paying full price to see a bad movie. C’mon man! Some scientists think coffee is good for your blood pressure. You know what’s raising our blood pressure? This stupid listicle.
6. Jayson Demers says too much coffee can make you slack off, according to some study or something.
7. Jayson Demers says if you drink too much coffee you’re building a tolerance.
You know what we’re building an intolerance for? COFFEE ATTACK LISTICLES.
So Jayson Demers, listen, nice try, but top executives around the world enjoy all manner of coffees, and middle-managers who are looking for a leg up find it in zippy shots of espresso and beautiful cappuccino. Those who struggle aren’t going to struggle less without coffee.
Coffee is the greatest drink on the planet and your propaganda is a bunch of nonsense.
Zachary Carlsen is the co-founder of Sprudge.com. Read more ZC on Sprudge.