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Special Comment by Carl Mundy, Waterbed Warehouse, Twin Falls, ID

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Twin Falls, ID

I’ve been reading a lot of Todd Carmichael’s articles for Esquire lately, in-between demos at the ol’ Waterbed Warehouse, and boy, I tell you what. I think this guy makes about as much sense as the buttsqueaks comin’ out the back-end of my 3rd wife’s terrier. His latest piece is a real corker, cos Todd thinks he can tell you an’ me how to make “the best cup of coffee” in the world.

A washed-up hipster in his 40s makin’ fun of pre-washed hipsters in their 20s is like a piece of shit calling a turd “poop”. In MY high school we would have called you all a bunch of thespians and hiked the damn football already.

prob'bly a thespian

For my $7.25 an hour, here’s what you need to craft the world’s REAL best cup of coffee. Consider me the fuckin’ opposite of Todd Carmichael. I ain’t no connosieur, and I sure as shit know that my opinion is mine alone, even if I don’t get published in a pantywaist soft-core titty tabloid “magazine for dudes”. Every real man knows there’s only two magazines worth yer booklearnin’…the first one is Guns and Ammo, and I’ll have to let y’all guess the second one, on account of the fact that my fourth wife might be readin’ this.

The machine: Wal-Mart may’ve recalled my Mr. Coffee but I ain’t about to give him up. Makes a damn fine cuppa when I’m on my third wind after an all-night poker party down at Duke’s. Ain’t no clove-smoking communiss barista gonna tell ME to use a breast pump.

The coffee: Three words: Kirkland Signature French. Sells fer about 5.99 a pound, and I tell you what, that’s a smart buy you won’t regret…unlike my second wife, who managed to make me regret alcohol for the first and last time.

The grind: Pre-ground and nothing less.

The cup: My special lady mug I got down there in Ti’juana…the clothes disappear when the cup gets hot, and let me tell you, that’s one cup you’ll want to keep steamin’.

Things to leave out: Splenda, Nutrasweet or whatever the hell my fourth wife steals in bulk from the coffee stand at the outlet mall.

Optional additives: Chocolate milk, Ovaltine, maybe some sugar booze if it’s after 2pm and we’re slow at the ol’ Warehouse.

So there you have it. Follow these tents, take a rent-to-ownership of your cup, and remember – if you default on your “every man’s cup is his castle” agreement, well, it’ll take the bank like 2 years to actually evict your sorry ass. Ain’t no lie.

Carl Mundy is the co-founder of Waterbed Warehouse and is the first American to brew coffee with tobacco to maintain a nicotine buzz while flying coach.