Brewtbart: Sprudge “Not So Deplorable”
We’re celebrating all week for our very special Sprudge One Year Anniversary Fund Drive. And now, a comment from Andrew Brewtbart:
The year was 2009.
The coffee nation, still reeling from SCAA scandal and a bitterly fought Republican electoral skunking, awoke each morning to dead blogs littering the webosphere, like so many empty to-go cups lining the backseat of my Range Rover. Coffeed was the forum of choice, Alex Negranza was 19, Stephen Vick battled malarial trespasses deep within the jungles of darkest Africa, and Coffee Geek was just as irrelevant. It was a tumultuous time for the industry, a phase of riotous growth and deep introspection. Sure, the coffee was getting better, but where was our industry to turn for bad puns, questionable journalism and omnisexual innuendo? The tweets and twits of so many tweetledumbs surely could not supply succor and succulents to such an industriously thirsty coffee cult. There was no one laboring in the digital trenches, sacrificing countless hours and college degrees to make fun of Specialty Coffee each and every day.
Enter two aspiring drunks from Seattle, Washington. Boyhood chums cast asunder by the vagaries of life, born of easily marginalized sexual and religious backgrounds, only to find themselves uselessly dog-paddling through their mid-20s. With countless shots of espresso coursing through their veins and a seemingly endless amount of time on their hands, they built an empire of empirical testament to the American dream. In this crucible, a new form of coffee media was forged.
This is the story of Sprudge.com.
In a blogosphere of dunderheads, muffin tops and barely-literate bloviates, Sprudge.com is not so deplorable. After all, they’ve repeatedly given voice to my ultra-conservative message of free enterprise and third world capitalism at any cost. Not since Oliver North’s foreword graced my second novel, “The Conservative and Consuelo”, have my noble minded mind-thoughts reached so many hungry readers. Sprudge may be Communist homosexual party boys, they may be ethically, morally and journalistically bankrupt, but dammit, much like the Democrat Party’s endless flailing bailouts, their bankruptcies have somehow become our own. I turn to Sprudge to be shocked, appalled and dissuaded from my belief in fundamental human dignity, and on these accounts, Sprudge.com is never late with payment.
I trust that, barring federal indictment or tax lien, Sprudge.com’s crack editorial team will continue to downgrade the discourse of coffee commerce for years to come. As a trusted advertising partner and surefooted soap box, I’ve squeezed every bit of topical relevance out of this ridiculous website over the last 12 months, and I urge you all to do the same. Read Sprudge every day, dear patriots. It is only a matter of time before Federal intervention, romantic dissuasion or social disease conspire to stifle this log-on logorrhea of illogical libel from a geyser’s gush to a pithy trickle. Enjoy them while you can, Sprudge readers, for like myself as I slowly grow more Reagan-esque with age, they surely cannot keep it up.
Andrew Brewtbart is the leading voice of the Consevative Coffee Movement. He resides in Boca Raton, Florida, where he lives comfortably as a CIA pensioner. While not endorsed by Sprudge.com, his controversial worldview can be explored further at brewtbart.wordpress.com