Like coffee, the universe has plans for us all. In 2016 our cosmically inclined editorial staff will bring you a fresh crop of coffee horoscopes each month, to foretell your destiny and offer coffee advice from the astral plane. What mysteries lay beyond the firmament? Open your mind, look to the heavens, and have another cup of cosmos.
Aquarius (January 20th—February 18th)
Happy creation cycle, Aquarius! Like a bed of fresh ground coffee, you’re ready to bubble and brew with the promise of another year on Earth. But why make this year the same as any other? Everyone knows you’re an independent soul, Aquarius—and we all respect you for it—but in 2016 there’s a new challenge brewing: open your heart to the power of duos, Trifectas, and small groups. Spend less time alone this year. An AeroPress for one is a sensory delight, sure, but we advise you to make life more like a 6 cup Chemex of joy to share.
Pisces (February 19th—March 20th)
Nobody makes a better barista than the humble, helpful Pisces. Always willing to hop on bar, cover a shift, or do the dishes, Pisces is the patron Zodiac sign saint of the service worker world. But Pisces, the universe asks, is this truly what stirs your soul? Isn’t there a mystical, secretive, emotional side of your existence that dreams of poetry, longs for song, and seeks to be stirred in matters beyond the bus tub? The answer is yours to guard, oh puzzling Pisces, but we see that Castaneda book in your work bag. Your secret is safe with the universe (and with us).
Aries (March 21st—April 19th)
You’re a trendsetter, Aries, a veritable Pied Piper of what’s cool, hip, now and next in all things life and coffee. Those big volume espresso shots served at a low temperature? That was your idea first! Making batch brew cool again while improving profit and loss? Totes all you. You open up Instagram and—let’s be real—it looks like everyone’s biting your shit. So what’s next? What’s popping off, Aries? Who are the it-producers, the hottest brew methods, and the trends that will define New Wave coffee in 2016? This is not a rhetorical device; we’re actually asking you to tell us, so great is your oracular gift. Drop us a line and thank you.
Taurus (April 20th—May 20th)
The Taurus, we’re told, is all about staying grounded, being stalwart and dependable, and providing a bottomless wealth of resolve. But who grounds the grounded? To whom does Taurus turn for strength when times get tough? And what does the universe make of a Taurus who feels downtrodden, distressed, and ready to give up, even when such feelings are not in their supposed nature?
It can be tough to be depended upon, and the burden, like the struggle, is real. But Taurus, you need not fear change. Perhaps it’s a cup of something different this month that provides a new sense of security. Perhaps you’ve been so steadfast in your pursuit of delicious coffee consumption that you’ve ignored other delights? We advise you to step into that feared unknown and truly grasp the whole sum of life’s facets. Maybe have a cup of tea, is what we’re saying, or a nice glass of wine. Nobody can be the rock 100% of the time, and the universe makes this demand of no one, not even you, Taurus. Take a night off and we’ll talk more next month.
Gemini (May 21st—June 20th)
Mercury was retrograde from January 5th until January 25th of this year, and it pulled on you, peppy Gemini, perhaps the hardest of all. That’s because your ruling planet is Mercury, which, when it’s in retrograde, is a bit like ordering an espresso shot at the local pub: a dodgy hot mess.
The good news is that the worst of it is over, and now’s probably a good time for you to poke your head out from under the covers. Visit your favorite coffee bars this weekend, and tip the baristas well. Get a coffee for takeaway (with your reusable Sprudge x KeepCup mug, natch) and go for a nice long walk. Survey the cosmic damage, be extra polite to everyone you meet, and prepare for the coming joyful change of seasons.
Cancer (June 21st—July 22nd)
We predict a spicy brewmance for you in the month to come, Cancer. Maybe it’s about meeting someone new that really gets your blood pumping; maybe it’s a renewed oomph in your current love sitch, with passion brewed in batches and optimized for enjoyment. Your seventh house of partnership is filled this month with Mercury, Pluto, the Sun, and the new Moon—this bodes well for your love life. We predict a lot of French press breakfasts for two.
Leo (July 23rd—August 22nd)
Your power is strong this month, Leo, so now’s the time to embark on new ventures, take on fresh commitments, and find yourself at the very peak of life and self. If you roast coffee, it’ll taste great; if you brew coffee, serve it up to everyone. And if you happen to be engaged in any competitive coffee efforts—like say, the giant coffee tournament happening next week in Kansas City—the universe says you’ve got a cosmic leg up.
Virgo (August 23rd—September 22nd)
Ah yes, the Virgo—certified judge of the Zodiac coffee world. But while you were playing your judgeridoo, the world kept turning, and now people have questions. Who says you’re infallible, Virgo? What gives you the right to make proclamations? If you score this coffee at a 91, and everyone else say it’s an 88, does that make them wrong? Could it be possible that the unimpeachable Virgo is not actually right all the time?
For this month at least, while the universe recovers from Mercury retrograde, we ask our Virgo friends to consider other scores at the cupping table, and to allow that perhaps it’s what you had for lunch—and not anything with the barista or the roaster—making this espresso taste weird. The universe laughs at certainty, Virgo, so you can either laugh with it or be made the object of fun. The choice is yours.
Libra (September 23rd—October 22nd)
When Libra’s scales are in balance there’s nobody better—no better friend, partner, or problem solver in the Zodiac realm. The trick is, those scales are forever being tipped one way or the other, and just the slightest counterbalance can throw the whole thing out of whack. Libra is the sign of endless variables—perhaps the most coffee-like of all the Zodiac signs—and it’s a hard thing to understand unless you’re living that #LibraLife yourself.
Think about it like this: it’s like having an espresso too late at night. Maybe an espresso at 5pm is perfect, but an espresso at 7pm is a recipe for sleeplessness. But then last week you had an espresso around 8 and were asleep by midnight no problem. Years ago you’d drink espresso at all hours of the day; maybe you’ll have a shot out on the town this weekend; you skipped an espresso earlier this afternoon and now you’re dragging ass; and also, why are you still working this late anyway? Shouldn’t you be relaxing?
We don’t have the answers, Libra, except that all this anxiety can’t be good for you. Take deep breaths, enjoy each day, thank the universe, or God, or the Tao (maybe all three), and remember that a balanced soul—like a balanced cup of coffee—comes from within.
Scorpio (October 23rd—November 21st)
We don’t want to call you a bunch of dickheads, Scorpio, but that’s what the universe keeps implying—go read *any* other horoscope and you’ll see nothing but anti-Scorpio bias piling up like lattes dying on the bar. Maybe you kind of like that rep, Scorpio pal? Maybe you’ve long since embraced your supposed path in the cosmos as one of conflict and strain, and anything less feels like you’re undeserving? Maybe you seek conflict, avoid intimacy, and hold yourself back from the sweetness of life because of dumb horoscopes like this one?
We call bollocks, Scorpio. You’re a sweetheart deep down, and you deserve love as much (or maybe even a little bit more) than anyone else. Leche will return soon to your life, but will it be con cafe? Perhaps you’ll find happiness in another beverage entirely. Someone out there loves you, Scorpio—you’re not so bad after all.
Sagittarius (November 22nd—December 21st)
It’s been said that Sagittarians are independent, unemotional, and always moving forward with their lives. These are great traits—it means that our universe’s perpetual motion is playing in your favor. But nostalgia is a powerful force and not something you should ignore, simply because it’s in your nature.
Perhaps you’re familiar with Facebook’s popular, and at times disturbing, “On This Day” memory feature. It’s a great way to set yourself apart from instinct, and look back at some of the better moments you might be glossing over in your Sagittarian rush for progress. Listen to an old record you love, look back at the memories—both happy and sad—and brew yourself up a coffee from the roaster you loved best in that time of your life. There’s nothing to fear, Sagittarius—the time is now, in the morning of our lives.
Capricorn (December 22nd—January 19th)
The Capricorn might be the ideal of all signs to engage in the loving pursuit of crafting tasty coffee. Capricorns have the ambition to brew a perfect cup; the inherent melancholy to understand there is no such thing as the perfect cup; and an underlying attention to detail to see through every pour, whether it turns out perfect or not. They have the patience to try brewing again and for adhering to ephemeral parameters; the gift of concentration necessary to dial in grinders, espresso machines, and brewing equipment; and they like being in control of the world around them, much like how a barista is master of their coffee domain.
If you make coffee professionally, and are a Capricorn, we feel it may have been fate that moved you along this path. If you just love coffee but haven’t made it your career, well, perhaps this is the universe whispering.
Original Zodiac coffee sign art by Murphy Maxwell for Sprudge.com. Some rights reserved, but not all rights, because man is not meant to reserve all rights.