Brewtbart’s State Of The Coffee Union: July 4th, 2013
Andrew Brewtbart, famously reclusive leading figure in the conservative coffee movement, returns with his annual Fourth of July supplement for Sprudge.com. As part a poorly considered agreement we reached with Mr. Brewtbart back in 2010, we are unfortunately required to run exclusive Brewtbart Advertising within this piece. We do not work with Brewtbart affiliates directly, nor do we recommend their products or services. Happy Fourth of July!
Greetings, tis I, Andrew Brewtbart, emerging from stasis like the cloistered blogatorial lion I most surely am to bring you more than a few words on American exceptionalism to mark this glorious July the Fourth, 2013. It’s been some time since I’ve addressed you directly – there were even rumors of my death – but I have been lacking in neither prominence or providence over the recent months. There is, of course, my weekly radio show, broadcast by AM1050 WSRP in Boca Raton, but I’ve also been involved as an uncredited ghost writer for several New York Times bestsellers in the last 18 months, including “Blogs and the Blogging Bloggers Who Blog Them“, Michael Savage’s “Trickle Down Austerity“, and Bill O’Reilly’s potboiling thrill ride of borrowed motifs and historicity, “Hoover“.
But the blogs have been far and few between, leading some to question my position at this publication and its hired caste of women and known degenerates. Rest assured that the publication agreements I signed with Sprudge.com’s “Editors” in 2010 was reviewed by my own personal flotilla of legal council; that document is unconditional in the securing of my bully pulpit. No matter how popular Sprudge becomes, how ravenous the demands of its ever-growing audience, you will still from time to time be subjected to the grand, inspired ravings of my truly gifted mind. The star-spangled Brewtbart still waves.
It was Ralph Waldo Emerson who once described America as “an asylum of all nations.” Today that asylum is more Arkham than Romulus, so maddening have the affairs of this great country become. Liberalism! Progressive political posturing! The loosening of standards, in the halls of Congress and in our very cups! I long for a return to the glory days, back in the first decade of this century, when “Geisha” was only ever spelled with an “I”, and you could be sure of whom exactly owned that roasting company. What’s to be done with the obfuscation, the “Direct Trade” shell game, and the downslope of America’s grand experiment in so-called “Third Wave” coffee? If all we hear is cluck and muck, what breath is left to huff and puff?
I’m particularly woebegone about the lack of American presence at recent international coffee events. Sure, we can win the World Barista Championship and the World Brewers Cup in the same year, but how many proud Americans can we gather together in Melbourne to sing our grand new national hymn? And if Americans are too busy actually running these international coffee events, how many of us will be left to attend?
These are dark pages, my friends. And yet today it falls upon me to explain to Sprudge.com’s increasingly (and unfortunately) international audience just why the Fourth of July matters. This is a global coffee publication, and its “editorial staff” consists of a former Marxist left coast Irish Jew and a gay married Hawaiian Portuguese; one could argue, quite fairly, that the battle has already been lost. And yet it is within this relative diversity – with a staff that includes, again, known degenerates and at least one Canadian – that Sprudge is at its most American. The asylum that Emerson spoke of must intrinsically accept all who seek it, even those with poor palates, huddled together around the cupping table, tired of sour single origin espresso.
The Fourth of July was, at its essence, the publication of a document, authored by the Founding Fathers. Theirs led to a bloody and protracted revolution; Sprudge would settle for another mention on Eater. And just as there will always be Americans there to facilitate those barista competitions, so too will there be American journalists – cutthroat, dog-tired and endlessly comparative journalists – who travel to these events in a unceasing Ouroboran attempt to document them all. Sprudge may not have been the ones we asked for, but by God, they’re the ones we’ve got.
In their loutish search for page views, slouching towards Yirgacheffe, this website has become like Winthrop‘s “shining city upon a hill” for specialty coffee half-truths. Once a comic sideshow, Sprudge.com is now inexplicably taken seriously; Reagan himself would be proud.
Happy Fourth of July, my conservative friends. In Brewtbart We Trust.
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