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Move Over Mark Prince: Meet Kevin Gould, “Fo...

Move Over Mark Prince: Meet Kevin Gould, “Food Futurologist”

Hchmlhigh! Hchmlhey! According to my calculations, there is an EXACT science to maximize one’s sensurrounditudinal enjoyment of carbon-infused demucilaged hydrogen/oxygenated beverages. You see, by taking my patented (AND patent-pending) formula, you can minimize the cellular interference and bi-ratiated vicissitude that may distract one from the heights of caffeinated phenomenology. Behold!

M = 0.5 x F + (0.5 x E + 0.3 x P + 0.15 x C + 0.05 x T.

Now, it’s back to the laboratory in mother’s basement, for another late night of the coffee and the formulas and the shrieking and the monkeys and hey hey hey!

(editors note: apologies to Joseph Rivera)


  1. James Hoffmann

    9 March

    At least they had the decency to acknowledge that the research was paid for as part of the Starbucks VIA campaign…

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