Spotted via our alt weekly waiver wire: Barista/tortured writer Shane Barnes sounds off in the Village Voice about a service person’s expectations of customer interactions. Mr. Barnes sets the bar pretty high. While it’s certainly not the first “I hate my customers” rant in the history of man, it is perhaps the first set of guidelines for “customer’s service” we’ve ever seen. Croaked Mr. Barnes:
So, if you’re after an espresso, or are particularly fussy about your coffee, here’s what to do. Ask the roast date, sure. Ask how many shots come in your drink. Ask what kind of milk we have. Ask about decaf. Ask to see cup sizes. Be specific. Don’t expect me to read your mind. If I get your drink wrong, be nice about it. I’ll make you a new one. We all make mistakes.
Uh oh, that doesn’t sound good. You’re in the service industry! Your job is to serve, honey. You need to tamp down all that shade grown.
Diva Barnes continues:
Just don’t come in asking if our espresso’s flavor profile is baggy, or if it finishes well, or if it has notes of Concord grapes. If you want to taste a grape, go eat a fucking grape. Just order your drink, and be happy. If you’re happy, then I’m happy. Especially if you tip me a dollar or more. Then we can discuss what kind of dung was used in the fertilizer way over in Africa, and how that translates into a nutty flavor. Really, I’ll talk about anything for a dollar. Any barista will.
Oh nooo…we’ve reached a kind of critical mass here, people. Shane Barnes is the perfect hunty storm: someone who should just get another job, but won’t, and so he he gives poor customer service instead.
Now, some of you might say: “We should bring this guy under our wing. We should teach him to be nice to people. He’s not an embarrassment for the industry, he’s a work in progress.” All fair points, but go and read that last paragraph again. “Really, I’ll talk about anything for a dollar. Any barista will.” That’s just plain nasty, Shane. If you don’t want to be in coffee anymore, that’s fine, but don’t queen out on behalf of the industry. The industry didn’t ask you. The Village Voice did, and that ain’t the same thing. You obviously don’t want to be in coffee anymore.
In fact, we’ll give Shane Barnes a hundred dollars if he finds new work.
Are you Shane Barnes and did you write this nasty article? Write to ShaneBarnes@sprudge.com and we’ll begin the authentication procedure necessary to issue you a $100 check.
Note: The issuance of said check will necessarily stipulate that you, Shane Barnes, will never, ever work in coffee again. Documents will be signed by both parties – “Sprudge.com” (Payer) and “Shane Barnes, Diva, Esq.” (payee).