Carl Mundy is the field office manager for the Waterbed Warehouse in Twin Falls, Idaho, and a cherished longtime regular Sprudge.com contributor. Follow Mr. Mundy on Twitter @carlmundy.
Hey y’all, Carl here, and hoo boy I can’t get enough of all a these holiday buying guides. Your ol’ buddy Carl has been in and out of the coffee biz long enough to accumulate a big ol’ storage container full of coffee junk. I don’t need it! Tain’t never wanted it! So I reckon that’s why the Sprudge boys asked me to put together this here ultimate gift guide of what not to buy for the coffee enthusiast this holiday season. And to make things interesting, I’m throwing in some things I’d actually like to see underneath my aluminum tree come Christmas mornin’.
Don’t fall for gimmicky coffee products that promise certain “enhancements” with your morning coffee slug-a-lug. Believe me, I’ve tried a handful of these magical blends and mystery powders. Tain’t nothin’ but sadness and strife, and before you know it, yer stock of wonder brew gets recalled by the FDA. Besides, coffee has enough nutrients and health benefits au natural. For the same amount of money you are about to waste on this junk, how about you buy a nice Holiday Blend instead? I’m fond of this one from Olympia Coffee Roasting Co. Shop for Olympia Coffee Roasting Co.’s Holiday Blend.
Blade grinders take what could be a delicious cup coffee and turn it into a pigpile of muck that tastes like 7-11 Joe 2 Go. If you think you can get away with using a blade grinder at home, you are dead wrong, buddy balls. For the same price as a standard blade grinder, you can buy a decent burr grinder – one that’ll provide a consistent grind for a quality brew. When my third wife threatened to take back her blade grinder in the divorce, I said “You just take it, Sharice! Good riddance!” Instead of buying a blade grinder, browse burr grinders from Sprudge.com’s holiday guide.
6. Kopi Luwak
Cat poop coffee is a deee-sgusting gimmick with worldwide acclaim, and has proven to be a real cash cow for producers in Indonesia, the Phillippines, and now parts of Central America. Here’s the easy explanation against Kopi Luwak for your curious Aunt Petunia: it promotes animal abuse and doesn’t actually taste good. That’s like me shootin’ an elk but not bothering to make jerky outta his giblets. That’s like my cousin Merle shooting a skunk and not bothering to make musk outta his funk glands. That’s like…well, you get the picture. Kopi luwak tain’t got no point.
Instead of paying through the nose for somethin’ nasty, I recommend Verve Coffee’s Panama Elida Green Tip Gesha – clean and sweet. Shop for Verve Coffee’s Panama Elida Green Tip Gesha.
Single cup brewing systems and new-aged namby pamby push button conveniences are real popular right now, but you should watch out for the Mr. Coffee KG1s, on account of the fact they been recalled. Instead, I can attest to the beauty, ease, and consistent deliciousness of the Technivorm Moccamaster, which ain’t a K-Cup Brewer or nothin’, but it’s what I like for the homestead. This machine is a real beaut’, makes a damn fine cuppa, and looks great in my double wide. Them folkum at Clive Coffee have several to choose from, plus handy brew guides and plenty of A’s to your Q’s. Shop for the Technivorm Moccamaster.
Why would you want to give a gift that’ll look like you gone done robbed a La Quinta breakfast bar? Thrift stores will be overflowin’ with K-Cup Carousel donations in ten years time, while millions more of these things wind up in the dumpster pile. But I also think drinkin’ all that haterade on K-Cups is dumb and shortsighted, so if you gotta give the gift of K-Cup storage this holiday season, you can at least do so with style with this fancy wood K-Cup storage drawer. It’s handcrafted using the finest Acacia wood and it looks real nice. Shop for the K-Cup Storage Drawer.
Don’t get me wrong. Dark roast coffee is okay for old Carl. It can be delicious – with some nice cream and sugar? Why not? I’ll be going back for seconds. I’m just not sure I can stand behind something called Hell Fire Triple Dark Roast…’course, maybe that’s just my 6th wife Maybelline and her bible lessons gettin’ to me. How about some ethically sourced French Roast from my buddies at Stumptown? Shop for Stumptown Coffee Direct Trade French Roast.
Them ThinkGeek doofuses got a lot of hits and misses – the Darth Vader’s Dark Side Roast Coffee is best served unopened on some nerd’s Star Wars bookshelf. Take it from Carl, don’t go to the Dark Side. Instead, ThinkGeek got this zombie apocalypse “Grow Your Own Coffee Kit” fer yer fallout shelter I’m fond of. Perfect for all ages. I personally have over 20 coffee plants growing in my Twin Falls bug bunker. Super easy to take care of and in a couple of years I’ll be processing my own microlot of Finca Carl Mundy. Shop for Grow Your Own Coffee.
Who don’t love coffee with chocolate? Unless, of course, it’s bad chocolate paired with bad coffee. Crackheads may have been a good gag gift for your junior high sweetheart or a your boss in 1998, but not now. Instead, get your filthy paws upon some delicious coffee with delicious chocolate. I’m lovin’ the Askinosie’s Sipping Chocolate, made with Intelligentsia Coffee. It’s sold in a handsome package and is certifiably delicious. Shop for Akinosie Limited Edition Sipping Chocolate.
Is there a product you’re particularly not fond of? The comments section is a great place to complain about things you don’t like. Go ahead! Sound off in the comments below!