Everyone has heard of the classic McDonald’s Coffee Too Hot lawsuit, but what about those other coffee-related legal actions that have gone unnoticed and unmentioned? It’s with the utmost pride and pleasure we bring you this barrister’s compendium of The Lesser Known Lawsuits in Coffee History.
Kaldi the Goat Herder v. Coffee Cherries
A landmark case, setting precedent for a variety of further jurisprudential decisions. See: The Nation of Yemen v. Goat Droppings, Friends of the Common Palm Civet v. Kopi Luwak Inc, etc
Mark Prince v The World
Trial currently pending. Venue displaced several times due to unavailability of unbiased jurors.
The City of Seattle v. Seattle’s Best Coffee
Jury awarded the City of Seattle the right, in perpetuity, to openly scoff and dismiss the SBC brand while both in AND outside of King County.
Howard Schultz v. Howard The Duck
Mutual settlement reached between both parties. George Lucas publicly apologized for green lighting “Howard The Duck”, while Howard Schultz personally helped liquidate all remaining Seattle SuperSonics merchandise.
Swiss Water Process v. Mountain Water Process
Mock trial occurred at WBC 2010. Formal proceedings delayed by lack of interested jurors under the age of 50.
Coffee’s Reputation In The Workplace v. Cathy Guisewite
Guisewite won a crushing courtroom victory, aided in no small part by riveting testimony from Tina Fey.
Andrew Kaufman v. Jerry “The King” Lawler
A shock decision, in which David Letterman was fined $100,000 for not getting the joke and forced to serve 200 hours of workplace sensitivity training.
United Congress of Churches v. Andrew Brewtbart
Swept under the rug with by virtue of Brewtbart’s connections in the CIA. Discussed at length in Brewtbart’s third book, “Balderdash and the Blithering Bloviates Who Bemoan Thusly”.
Little Old Lady v. “This Cup Is Too Hot”
Case initially pursued, then unceremoniously dropped, by Manhattan attorney Jackie Childs. Please refer to link for more information.
Mocha v. Whip
Another landmark decision. Mocha now legally required to offer “whip” in all but the most 3rd Wave of environments. Barista’s right to scoff, a sub-clause of the presented case, determined to be protected by the 1st Amendment.
Todd Carmichael v. Antarctica et al
Legal dispute following Mr. Carmichael’s frequent cursing eruptions at a colony of “too cool” Rockhopper penguins. Settled out of court for a reportedly generous sum.
Giorgio Milos v. Those-a Americanos, They Make-a The Espresso Thassa No Good
All American mainstream media publications found guilty of publishing the written work of Milos are now legally required to pay restitution to any and all aggrieved parties. To claim your reparations, please write to legal@theatlantic.com.
Andrea Mitchell says
Hello,
We’ve selected you as our Foodista Drink Blog of the Day for 11/24! This blog post regarding coffee lawsuits will be featured on the Foodista homepage for 24 hours. Besides posting your link on the homepage, we will also post a couple shout outs on our Twitter and Facebook pages.
Since you are now a part of the Foodista Featured Drink Blogger of The Day Community, we’ve created a special badge for you to display proudly on your blog sidebar. I couldn’t find your email on your blog to send you the access code for the special badge, but I want to make sure you get it if you are interested. Please send me an email and I’ll send it right away.
We are really enjoying your blog and look forward to seeing your recipes, tips and techniques on Foodista! If you would not like to be recognized on Foodista please let me know and I will remove your blog from our queue.
Cheers,
Andrea Mitchell
giorgio says
dear-a yous,
it is witha the uppamosta grazi and preggo that i make-a dis question: why you no like-a da giorgio? all giorgio issa do issa tell yous you a espressos issa crap! it no make-a da sense why you no take-a my advice. giorgio issa only here to help.
-the giorgio
Jay C. says
And by the way, Sprudge is a satirical site. To take any of this with seriousness, well, THAT’s asinine…
Horatio Weinblatt says
Dear Sirs/Madams,
I am an attorney representing the above-mentioned aggrieved colony of Queen Maude Land Rockhopper penguins. It is our formal request that, at this time, you cease and desist forthwith your outrageously insensitive coverage of Todd Carmichael v. Antarctica et al. While the First Amendment covers your right to parody, it does not give the gift of needless cruelty. An entire generation of Queen Maude Land Rockhopper penguins experienced deep personal anguish, and in some cases, lost their chicks to shellshock as a result of Todd Carmichael’s actions. Your cavalier and morally undefendable decision to mention this case opens you up to future legal action prosecuted under the defined statutes of the Antarctic Treaty System, established during the International Geophysical Year 1957-58.
In the meantime, myself and my clients feel it’s time for us to stop reading Sprudge. At least until the next Schmuck of the Week.
-Horatio Weinblatt, Esq.
Sarah Brunswick says
I can’t wrap my head around your position on Cathy Guisewite. My entire life has been shaped from the last thirty years of her gentle humor. My refrigerator is covered with my favorite strips and her wit always makes me chuckle. My cat comes tearing in every time I’m busting a gut from the latest and greatest from Cathy. Why Sprudge chooses to make fun of an icon like Guisewite is beyond me. Especially considering her recent announcement to retire. Shameful. Maybe it’s time I ought to end my Sprudge subscription?
Liam Gregor says
I don’t understand this reference to Mark Prince or understand why you sprudge guys like to make fun of him. I am making the best coffee of my life and thats 100% due to Mark. My girlfriend and I visited his lab twice last year and he was completely generous with his time teaching us about making good coffee. I tried to pay for a course and he refused the money. For him it was all about learning about great drinks. He even took us upstairs and let me pull shots on his Speedster machine. In his own house! and he didn’t even know me!
I see you guys poking at a few of the famous people in coffee from time to time, but forwhatever reason he’s one of your favorite targets and I don’t understand where youre coming from. Maybe it’s time to stop reading sprudge.