HowAboutWe.com authoress Eliza Light might very well be the finest blogger of our time. Ms. Light – a pseudonym, surely, as her presence beyond HowAboutWe is abjectly untraceable – is currently in the throws of a DiMaggio-esque blogging hit streak, penning timeless piece after timeless piece and being blogged and reblogged throughout the internet by discerning Dating Column Editors (with deadlines and / or post quotas). What does your dog say about you on a date? Why should you take a girl out for Italian? And most germane to our discussion, what does your coffee order say about you? Well?
Eliza, you’ve certainly percolated our attention, so please, go ahead and shed some Light:
Black Coffee Drinkers: They are self possessed and kind of badass. Acquaintances may describe them as “blunt” and “gruff” on a good day. They lean against the doors on the subway because that’s what they’re there for, bitches! If you find yourself on a date with a gruff black coffee drinker, the challenge is getting them to laugh a little more.
8AM Decaf Coffee with Half and Half: They are the definition of milquetoast, not to mention insecure and a touch confounding. They love non-alcoholic beer. They were relegated to the bench after giving a particularly deflating pep talk to your high school Cross Country team. Or something. 8AM Decaf Coffee with Half and Half drinkers are often attracted to non-8AM Decaf Coffee with Half and Half drinkers, as they are searching for something a little more adventurous than themselves.
Cold Brew in a Bottle: Your dating life will be one big party with one of these coffee drinkers. If it’s you, you’d rather be drinking a beer, but beer won’t lift you off the stinking pavement at 10 a.m. on a 100-degree day. You are probably wearing a straw fedora. You are most definitely wearing a low-cut, striped tank top that coquettishly reveals a wishbone necklace.
And it goes on. We’re in love and quite frankly, we’re inspired. A Light has gone off in our heads and we’re suddenly flush with fresh ideas. Be on the lookout for upcoming Sprudge.com features such as “10 Things I Want At My Specialty Coffee Wedding”, “8 Ways To Keep Your Direct Trade Relationship Solid”, “6 Unexpected Perks of Subscription Coffee Services”, and “Dear Coffee Drinkers, Whatever You Brew, Don’t Brew This!”