McSweeney’s Internet Tendency, voted #1 blog by wealthy yoga moms and financially stable bearded dads, has featured some fun stuff on coffee in the last decade. You have to be really, really cool to even think about reading McSweeney’s, to say nothing of writing for them, and so you should all consider yourself lucky that we’ve brought the following irono-comic snarkicle blurblettes to your attention. That will be $12.95, please.
Our first story comes from a 26 year-old coffee drinkin’ nube:
Let’s go! Coffee helps my creativity. I can come up with something creative out of nowhere. “Larry laughs like a lavicious lunatic!” See!? That was instantaneous! What does “lavicious” mean, you ask? I made it up. Doesn’t matter! Coffee! I’m going to make it a real word! It means scathingly menacing. Use it! Hey, I should try improvisational theater! I’d probably be a riot on coffee. Yes and … yes! Sign me up! Why didn’t I drink this stuff in elementary school? I would have had straight A’s. I could have taught the classes. Move over, Mr. Starchpants! Take a note: I’m going to teach a class! Wow! French vanilla! What’s that like? Sounds delicious! Get me some. Cream and sugar? I don’t need it.
Next up is a copy-and-paste job, an eerie press release from Nestle:
The grand prize winner of the “Redecorate with Coffee-mate” Contest will receive a $10,000 gift certificate to Linens ‘N Things, a personal design consultation, a top of the line coffeemaker and a year’s supply of Nestle(R) Carnation(R) Coffee-mate(R) products. Additionally, the grand prize winner and a guest will win a trip to New York City to visit the Linens ‘N Things flagship store in Paramus, N.J.
Then a tongue in cheek take on new age (absurd wave) cafรฉs in Manhattan:
Now, before I present our beverage menu, may I interest you in an Amouchinoโข? It’s an antebeverage, or pre-beverage beverage, served from an eyedropper. The idea is similar to what the French call an amuse boucheโa small appetizer to amuse the palate, except, of course, it’s a drink and not an appetizer. Today’s flavors are Milagro Sweat and Artic Seal Tears. If you’re interested, Klart, our certified Amouchinistโข, will be glad to Amouchatisfyโข you with a few drops on your tongue.
Finally, comment cards from a recently laid off Late Night With Conan O’Brien writer:
Dear 17-year-old-looking Coffee Bean barista named Jim,
Thank you for your noticing my Tonight Show with Conan O’Brien sweatshirt and, without any sense of hesitation, inquiring into my severance package with NBC just as I began to place my drink order. Seeing as you and I go back a whole 16-seconds, I feel you (more than anyone) have a right to know if I made “eleventy-billion dollars” from this whole Late-Night fiasco.
There you have it. McSweeney’s, where America’s liberal arts graduates lick their loan wounds while fluffing their genius beards. Where it’s always 2003.
