Greeting my friends, ’tis I, Andrew Brewtbart, Americano Patriot and paragon of the Right, reporting to you with gravitas in my demitasse, bringing you a wordy shipwreck of talent on loan…from God. Today I’m writing to you from beyond the grave…of reason and good sense! It’s a hurdy-gurdy political jungle I inhabit – and Lady Liberty weeps.

On today’s docket of detestable doxy, the blustering ballyhoos at USA Today report that 8th Congressional District of Ohio Representative John A. Boehner spent $2200 of tax-payer money on coffee and catering in the month of November alone.

(USA Today)

Our normally conservative Moonie friends at the Washington Times are similarly out for the congressman’s blood:

Have you thanked your taxpayer today? Maybe that should be the sign hanging above coffee machines in Capitol Hill offices. Lawmakers are spending thousands of taxpayer dollars on coffee, snacks and catered food services, USA Today reports.

House Speaker John Boehner, for instance, spent $2,200 of taxpayer dollars on coffee supplies in 2012 — in just November, a USA Today video segment reports.

My friends, my record is clear – Andrew Brewtbart is a strong proponent and outspoken advocate for lower taxes, but in order to govern, one must first caffeinate. These are dangerous times we live in, when a most honorable congressman’s most reasonable staff expenses are wrecked asunder by the gnashing teeth and slobbering jowls of so many journalistic attack dogs. $2200 on coffee? Mere pennies compared to the king’s ransom President Barack Obama spends on another Romantic Hawaiian Getaway Date For Two at Alan Wong’s.

If anything, I find it derelict to the tastes of this nation that Speaker Boehner and his staff are relegated to such a spend-thrift way of coffee life. This paltry budget almost certainly restricts them from, say, purchasing and maintaining the necessary accoutrements for a proper in-office coffee service. And from whence does this $2200 worth of “coffee supplies” originate? On that budget, they’re surely buying second rate coffee filters, pre-ground partially burnt segundos, with nary a cleaning product in sight.

I myself allocate no less than $2200 for my coffee expenditures – weekly! I’m perpetually awash in the Wendelboe, Maruyama, St. Ali and Coffee Collective baggatures that one associates with status and good taste. I filter my coffee with 14k gold, and gold alone, thanks to the wise investment I made in precious metals on the advice of my conservative brethren many years ago. I spare no expense – full water filtration system in my kitchen, multiple gleaming coffee devices, a custom red-white-and-blue Robur-E. If I can have it all, why can’t my favorite congressman?

Of course, these excessive expenditures are buttressed by fundables from my speaking engagements, appearance fees, and generous royalties kitty; The Brewtbart Series portfolio of books and treatsies are still grossing healthily on the open market, more than 20 years after their original dates of publication. Top earners include “Jimmy Carter: A Nation’s Disgrace” (1982 Conservative Book Of The Month Club Selection), and “The Conservative and Consuelo”, my fictional account of one man’s love affair behind the Sandinista burlap curtain – a spun yarn potboiler of manly exploits, covert passions, and deep cover green buying.

As the great prophet Rush Limbaugh once said, “If spending more money this year than we did last year is going to bring this country to its knees, shouldn’t that tell us that the government has way too much control over our lives?”

Our honorable Speaker John Boehner is entitled to this modicum of a coffee budget for himself and his hard working staff; I see it as their inalienable right in the pursuit of life, liberty, and good coffee.

Perhaps this pitiable allowance of congressional coffee spending is why nothing gets done.

Parched for more knowledge? Quench thy thirst at The Shot with Andrew Brewtbart.

The post Speaker John Boehner’s Coffee Expenses “A Pittance” appeared first on Sprudge.com.

Our crack team of interns have gained access to the most sought-after list of speakers at the hottest Scandinavian coffee event: The Nordic Barista Cup. Past presenters at the NBC have represented the brightest and best in the industry. For three days, guests are taken through a series of lectures, roundtable discussions, seminars, and team competitions, as well as explorations of coffee roasting, cupping and brewing.

This year’s list of speakers has been a closely-guarded secret for weeks and we’re releasing it now, as a genuine exclusive to Sprudge.com.

Florfen Fluffenhoofer, Scandinavian Exclusivity Expert

Mr. Fluffenhoofer will speak on how to administer, promote, and enforce security and dress code protocol for exclusive coffee events. His past work includes consulting for BritPonce Expo ’08, The Bohemian Club, The International Congress of Know-It-Alls, and other high-end gatherings too gauche to name publicly.

Fritz von Spritz, Consultant For Hire

An expert’s expert, Mr. von Spritz runs his own roastery, cafe, and coffee re-education camp in the most expensive district of Copenhagen. An exhaustive first-class intercontinental consulting schedule positions Fritz as our industry’s foremost expert on how to make money from non-Scandinavians. 

Andrew Brewtbart, Mainstream Media Expert

Andrew Brewtbart will lecture on “Coffee and the Left-Wing Media”. A contributor to Imprimus, The Wall Street Journal, The Washington Times, and the New York Times Magazine’s Style Magazine’s Fashion Blog’s Food and Culture Blog, ‘The Subheading’, Mr. Brewtbart is a longtime expert on coffee, media, and right-wing paramilitary black ops. His debut novel, “The Conservative and Consuelo”, was a 1982 Conservative Book Of The Month Club selection. He is currently writing a new book, due to be published by Hillsdale College Press in late 2012. This is a rare public appearance for Mr. Brewtbart. His countenance will be obscured whilst on the podium due to a pending Panamanian vendetta.

Figgy Bloke-on-Bottom, British Vintner

Ms. Bloke-on-Bottom is the sommelier-in-residence for Top of the Ponce, Ego’s, and The Hoighty, three of London’s finest restaurants. Having won literally every wine award imaginable, she now roasts coffee on a 1-to-1 transfer of expertise, and is also developing several advanced hydro-vineyards across the rooftops of Swindon.

Ootva Gundsmirdottir, Icelandic Coffee Historian and Puffin Smoker

Hailing from Hólar, Ootva will lead a seminar on the old world practice of “Equine Coffee Roasting”. Gundsmirdottir runs the only horseback coffee roaster in the world, a style that’s gaining some traction among leading roasters worldwide due to its popularity in Scandinavia.

Flurdy Hurdygurdy is the chef-de-cuisine at lowercase, currently the most expensive restaurant on Earth and only open to journalists. A pioneer in the field of molecular slurpstronomy, he is widely considered the first person to serve espresso exclusively in platinum demitasses.

Ronaldinho Fazenda Luche, South American Agro-Crop Billionaire

An erstwhile Bond villain, Mr. Luche will lecture the NBC audience on the topic of “Nefarious Practices and You”. Ronaldinho owns over 1,000,000,000 hectares of low-elevation chemical-doused land. His lobbying efforts and crack team of lawyers have protected his rights to develop a bio-engineered super hybrid of self-picking coffee shrubs. Ronaldinho is currently field testing an army of over one thousand diesel fueled robot pickers.

Ooter Slaughterbraten, Elk Blood Sausage Impresario

Mr. Slaughterbraten will lecture on “Daring Pairings: Disgusting Delights, Delicious Dishes”. Ooter has thrilled audiences across Europe with his Gallagher-esque on-stage carcass smashing. The first three rows will be equipped with protective tarps and safety goggles. We can speak from experience: ze goggles do nussing.

Our correspondent Greggory Hullzenblogger has been denied advanced admission to the Nordic Barista Cup, but don’t worry: you’ll still have access to best-in-the-business event coverage from Greggory all weekend long, as he will be reporting from the CCTV station across the street (if we’re able to muster the $150 kroner-per-blogger viewing fee).

It’s important to remember that the event is four months away, and the lineup can change at any time. Judging by the caliber of the presenters, this is shaping up to be the best, and most exclusive, Nordic Barista Cup in human history.

The post Nordicleak: NBC Speaker List Exclusive! appeared first on Sprudge.com.

Fair Trade Affair 4 U

Our friend Kyle Freund at Coffee Kids revives some of the still-on-going debate over Fair Trade. As coffee companies develop more sustainable models of trading coffee fairly, the Johnny-Don’t-Know Nothin’s and Melissa Allison’s of the world will continue to pen well-read “Only Fair Trade Is Fair” articles for mainstream media outlets. The results can be seen at a cafe near you; NPR-listening, Mother Jones-subscribing, canvas tote carrying customers who grab blindly at anything with a Fair Trade certification sticker attached, but who don’t or can’t or won’t learn about far more sustainable, equitable models, the likes of which are being pioneered today by George Howell, Duane Sorenson, and Andrew Brewtbart.

The Fair Trade brand is still alive and well, and so the conversation regarding Fair Trade labels and practices continues. For a little bit of context, we’re glad to link to some source materials; the infamous Geoff Watts e-mail (Watts is the green buyer for Chicago-based Intelligentsia Coffee & Tea) that still provokes discussion today, nearly 4 full years later:

In my opinion, the Fair Trade brand / model works alright for commercial quality coffee and for one might term “entry-level” specialty. Once one gets into extremely specific, ultra-high quality coffees it begins to falter because it was not designed to deal with them. Fair Trade is, essentially, a one-size-fits-all blanket program that is applied to an incredibly diverse range of different coffee farmers across the world…the fact that it the FT price has been $1.26 for more than fifteen years and is the same for every farmer whether he/she lives in Peru, Rwanda, Sulawesi, Costa Rica, or El Salvador makes little sense.

Let’s pick back up on the discussion in 2010. From the CoffeeKids blog:

Paying a more equitable price is great, but it’s just not enough. Supporting efforts like those of Coffee Kids’ partners extends the reach of Fair Trade and makes a true difference. Learn more about our program partners here. And if you would like to support development in coffee-farming communities, please contribute.

The post Keeping Up With the Mother Joneses: A Fair Trade Affair 4 U… appeared first on Sprudge.com.