Starbucks Rolls Out Trenta Frappuccinos
Using our considerable cache and network of underground moles, we’re proud to offer you this glimpse inside Starbucks Marketing headquarters. What follows is an unedited transcript, based on audiotapes smuggled out of Starbucks HQ at great personal risk. Names have been changed to protect our source:
Wendy: Hear ye, hear ye, I call this dark coven to order. On the blood-docket altar: Shall we ghoulishly allow our foolish minion to fatten themselves upon Trenta-sized Frappuccinos™?
Eugene: Hail Beelzebub, Wendy. Will you yield order of the Coven?
Wendy: I shall; speak now, Eugene, lest our Underlord smite thee, and move thy basketball team from its place in the natural order.
Eugene: Very well. Our diabolical plan has worked in a manner most mellifluous. First we released the thirty one ounce “Trenta” size. One of our chief soul-getters, the raven-blooded Ellen, was very excited, and lo, she shared our deeds with a dutiful minion. We fought off the foolish nutritionists and doctors by first restricting the Trenta size’s use for “iced coffee and iced tea only”.
Coven (all): FOOLS! (evil cackling)
Damien: Wendy, if I may continue Eugene’s unholy incantation…
Wendy: Thou has spoken out of turn, Damien. I punish thee to death by gustation! Bring forth the Panini of Ouroboros! (screaming, sounds muffled as Damien is dragged from Dark Boardroom.) Thou may continue with your market research, Eugene…
Eugene: Yes, my Dark Witch of Target Markets. Our evil Trenta plan then continued unabated. Over time, we let the rules slide as consumers demanded a larger 1,200 calorie Frappuccino. We gave them double mochas. We gave them eight pumps of vanilla. We added brownie crumbles, much to the pleasure of our Dark Lord. We even let them add soy.
Beatrix: (just arriving) Oof, I’m so sorry for being late, the traffic getting off the West Seattle bridge was just awful.
Wendy (now fully transmogrified into a terrifying she-demon): Silence! And then???
Eugene: I’m proud to report our unholy banner of pestilence and blight is one step closer to being unfurled.
Coven (all): Bwahahahaha!
“We Just Say Yes to Trenta whatever. I like how my DM put it – why turn away money. If they want something we can make, let them know we aren’t supposed to use this cup normally but we will for them this time.”
I’ve said before on this site that it’s only a matter of time before Starbucks will offer Trenta sizes for all drinks “because of customer demand.” I didn’t think it would happen so fast — albeit at a “rogue” store.