Welcome to “Yelp, I’ve Fallen And I Can’t Shut Up”, a new weekly series on Sprudge.com where we’ll call on our readers to send us the best, worst, dumbest, most hilariously amazing Yelp reviews from around the world! A vibrant home for seemingly worldly, educated reviews about restaurants, cafes, dentists and dog-walkers, Yelp.com offers hundreds of specialty coffee reviews, each one of which is its own little special participant in the grand unintentional guffaw of this massively public review site. There is amazing, hilarious stuff on Yelp – send us your favorites! Here’s the first one, from Four Barrel Coffee Roasters in San Francisco:
Minus one star for no parking. I know that Four Barrel is located in “The Mish,” but come on–I need parking! Why can’t Four Barrel do something about that?
Minus one star because I saw two bicycles outside.
Minus one star because I am confused and dismayed by the cafe’s layout.
Minus one star for the boar head mounts. I can’t articulate exactly why they bother me, but they do. Emoticon!
Minus one star for the way your foxy, fashionable customers and employees exacerbate my self-hatred.
Minus one star because I am exceptionally busy and yet I had to wait fourteen seconds for an employee to flip a record.
I have a particular syndrome, body issue, or disease, and I know that I always need a plastic sweetener. Minus one star for not providing that to me.
Minus one star for not having an old couch. Chairs hurt my butt!
Minus one star for not letting me have access to your electrical outlets, and minus one more star for not providing wifi. I wanted to sit for hours at your cafe, nursing one espresso, “working” on my computer and pausing periodically to furtively peek at boobies, but I can’t.
Minus one star for not carrying skim milk. Milk-milk is too milky–gross! Meh! Le sigh!
Minus one star because I came to this coffee shop to purchase a tea, and you do not serve tea. I would like inform the management to be aware that it takes only tea and water to make tea, and that I feel alienated, and I shall be taking my business elsewhere. You lose!
I know what I am talking about. I own a restaurant. And I have had coffee elsewhere before, and it was always much better then.
Send us your Yelp monstrosities! Write to firstname.lastname@example.org, or call the Sprudge Hot Line at 1-567-CRINKLY