This article is part of our special Back To School Week series:
The Quaker Oats Company, an American carbohydrate concern with more than a hundred years of brand-recognition, have recently introduced the “True Delights: Hazelnut Latte” flavor to their line of instant oatmeals.
The Quakers may refuse conscription into armed military service, but they’re perfectly willing to fight hydrogenated hazelnut latte-powder trench warfare in and around your large intestine.
This is, in fact, the American Dream in action. All beloved American foodstuffs will one day be available in oatmeal form; this includes margaritas, pulled pork sliders, and single origin microlots. Bristol Palin’s second baby will be President, “climate change” will be remembered with the same ironic disdain as the Y2K bug, and Glenn Beck will have replaced Franklin Delano Roosevelt on the ten-cent piece.