Andrew Brewtbart is an author, commentator, and leader of the Conservative Coffee Movement. A longtime contributor to this website, Mr. Brewtbart will be capping off our election coverage. Contrary to popular belief, he did not die when Breitbart died.
My friends, it was truly a tumultuous election season, one filled with Cinnamon Roll gaffes, unfortunate coffee blends, powerful Frappuccino-fueled endorsements, and forbidden (and then unforbidden!) coffee ice cream binge eating.
Ultimately, the voters decided with their 7/11 coffee cups to re-elect Barack Hussein “I’ll Buy You A Muffin Instead of a Cinnamon Roll” Obama for a second term. This can only mean one thing:
45th President Willard Mittens Romney mugs are being sold off at a deep discount. Buy in bulk, save on shipping, and God Bless. I’ll be stocking up on these mugs in my bug bunker, preparing for the apocalypse. I’ll see you on ham radio, station W6OM, and listening to “Coast To Coast” every night with an open mind and a Republican heart.
For though the defeat of the Conservative Party was ignoble at best, the Conservative Coffee Party is alive and well and ready to hoist you upon its Randian shoulders (Ayn or Paul, take your pick) and walk you boldly, spit cup at the ready, into the 21st Century of responsible coffee thought. This election was not a referendum on our ideals, or a mandate in favor of the pernicious peccadillos of pervasive liberal pernury. No way, my friends. No sir. Do not let Obama’s re-election stand in the way of your American Dreams. Refresh and energize yourself for the long struggle ahead, like a nice cup of coffee right around 5pm.
Maybe next time my Republican brethren will anoint someone who actually drinks coffee. A bold, caffeinated choice for the American future. Someone whose big ideas and girthy countenance will strike fear and loyalty and even love into the hearts of the citizenry. A demagogue for the rest of us. A man like…well…